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Alright, pals, today we’re diving into a hilarious mess of birthday jokes! Kids think birthdays are all about cake and presents, adults try to act chill but secretly freak out a bit. So, why not spice up any party with some laugh-till-you-snort jokes? Let’s jump right into the goofy goodness.
Whether you want a pun that cracks the kids up, a joke that makes your friends groan (in a good way), or a classic knock-knock that’s so old it’s basically vintage, we got you covered with the funniest birthday zingers from all around.
So grab your party hat and get ready to chuckle, because these jokes are perfect for any age or party mood!
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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’” - Steven Wright
“When you hear the song ‘Happy Birthday,’ all you’re thinking is,
‘Hey! I’m gonna get some free cake.’
During the song, you’re just wondering what kind it is.” - Jim Gaffigan
“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake.
It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” - Jerry Seinfeld
Why couldn’t the science teacher come up with a good birthday joke?
Because all of the good ones Argon.
"Everyone singing Happy Birthday, lovely.
No one singing Happy Birthday, bad.
One person singing Happy Birthday, worse.” - Jimmy Carr
“Greeting cards would make sense if there was something profound written in there.
But it’s always like ‘Happy Birthday.’
… Couldn’t think of that yourself?” - Jim Gaffigan
“My youngest she had her third birthday today, and I realized I spent a lot of money.
I realized that she’s three. My first childhood memory, I was five.
That means I’m not getting credit for nothing I did today.” - David Arnold
Why do all of my relatives keep reminding me how old I am on my birthday?
Because age is a relative thing
Did you hear about the study that found that birthdays are good for your health?
It was shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
At a certain age, birthday wishes stop being fun and start sounding like medical advice.
‘Hope you’re healthy, hydrated, and remember where you left your keys.'
“Recently, I was invited to a surprise birthday party.
It was a surprise birthday party for a dog!
To be fair, the dog was surprised - didn’t suspect a thing.
Dog didn’t know it was his birthday.
Dog didn’t know it had a birthday.
The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment.” - Jim Gaffigan
Turning 18 is wild.
You go from “ask my parents” to “figure out my taxes” all in one birthday.
Why don’t adults put candles on their cake to match their age?
Because you need a permit to have a bonfire.
“The holidays, it all just started as one guy’s birthday.
It was just one guy’s birthday, and it turned into a whole season.” - Jim Gaffigan
“If you say, ‘I have a birthday week!’
You have a problem.
If a person out loud says, ‘It’s my birthday week,’
that information should be taken to the government,
and then in the mail you should be given a red flag
and it just says, ‘this is you’” - Eddie Della Siepe
Why do office birthday parties always feel awkward?
Because nothing screams team bonding like eating cake with people who still haven’t learned your name!
“Kids love their birthdays.
But, you know at my age, I really hate my birthdays.
Because, at this point, a birthday to me is a day when I become a year older within a day.
I feel all pathetic and sad and the candles even have tears dripping down.
But everyone else so happy though!
(sings) ‘Happy Birthday to you,
You have one year less to live
Your life is going downhill
And we’ll forget about you tomorrow!’” - Joe Wong
“When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.” - Joan Rivers
“Went to a birthday party for a four-year-old.
That was awkward.
Probably because I wasn’t invited.
Cake came out.
I love how we serve ice cream with cake.
You know, we go with this sugar bread, some frozen sugar milk.
Let’s give it to the four-year-old, see how they respond.
Oh, they’re going crazy!” - Jim Gaffigan
“If you’re an adult and have enough money, you can eat birthday cakes whenever you want - did you know that?
You don’t have to wait for somebody’s birthday to roll around.
You can eat birthday cakes every day. Get whatever you want written on them, too.
You don’t have to get ‘Happy Birthday’ written on there.
Like, you can walk into a bakery tomorrow, order three birthday cakes, and make the baker write on them: ‘breakfast,’ ‘lunch,’ and ‘dinner.’” - Brendon Walsh
The worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
And then you go to write ‘Birthday’ and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with ‘Happy.’
You’re like, ‘Yeah, but the past is the past. Big-a* ‘B’. Surely more letters will fit in the same space.” - John Mulaney
"Cakes are powerful food.
Cake can actually bring people together.
‘It’s Bill’s birthday.
I hate that guy!
There’s cake in the conference room.’
‘Well… I should say hello.’” - Jim Gaffigan
“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.” - Steven Wright
“You can tell 50’s old cause your friends don’t even celebrate your birthday when you tell them how old you’re turning, right?” - Sean Kent
Growing up, birthdays meant gifts.
Now they mean getting tagged in unflattering photos you didn’t approve.
“You know you’re old when your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.” - Phyllis Diller
“We’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of room. We’ve all made a ‘Happy Birthday’ sign.”
“You get that poster board up, and you’re like, ‘I don’t need to trace it. I know how big letters should be.
To begin with, a big-a* ‘H’. Followed by a big-a* ‘A’ and… Oh, no! Oh, God! Okay, all right.
Real skinny ‘P’ with a high hump, and then we’ll put the second ‘P’ below the hump of that first ‘P’, sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation.
What can you say both at the birthday party and at an execution?
Wait, let me get the knife.
“Black ‘Happy Birthday’ is so good, I listen to it in my car alone.
That is how hard that song goes.
They know how to spice it up.
Do you know how White people spice up ‘Happy Birthday?’
We say Cha Cha Cha.” - Lou Misiano
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