These Dates Went So Wrong, It’s Kinda Hilarious

So, got official with this dude and two days later, his wife texts me. Surprise! He’s married. Fast forward: he’s no longer married, and I guess I just gained a weird best friend. Wild, right?

Date bites me. Not a little nibble, full-on skin break kind of bite. I said 'ouch, stop!' but nope, she wouldn’t let go. I finally snapped, and suddenly she’s sobbing like a deflated balloon—right there in the restaurant! Everyone was watching. I paid, apologized, took her home, and then she told me I was making a mistake by losing her. No thanks!

Tinder date doesn’t just dislike cats—he HATES them. I mentioned my two cats, all chill, and suddenly he drops the bomb: 'If I see a cat, I kick it.' I was out. Blocked. No question.

First time this date came over, my cat was doing cat stuff on a throw blanket. I gently moved her. She went back to it. This guy suddenly flips out, clenching fists, yelling he’s gonna 'sort that bastard cat.' I was nope-ing so fast.

At 17, one of my first-ever dates turned creepy fast. Childhood friend wouldn’t let me use the bathroom alone, kept yammering about how women need a 'firm male hand' to live pure lives, and got way too handsy. I escaped during a loud movie scene, fled to a nearby restaurant, and called my stepdad. He harassed my house for weeks after. Big yikes.

Met a guy, made sure he *knew* I was atheist. He said totally cool. Then, bam! First date, he hands me a wrapped gift—turns out it’s a 'coming to Jesus' book. Shortest date ever.

Same guy was my new gynecologist during the day and blind date that night. He didn’t recognize me at all. Awkward levels: 1000.

Went to a guy’s place and was forced to watch 40 minutes of him driving a plow truck through snowy parking lots. Fun? Nope. Then he casually drops he's still living with his wife upstairs. Told him I wasn’t interested. He got mad. Like, really mad.

Added this guy on Facebook; had a ton of mutual friends but didn’t peek closely. He casually asks about a mutual female friend. Turns out, he hooked up with her at a party. Oh, that 'friend'? It was my little sister. What a plot twist.

Date walks out wearing nothing but a zebra print thong. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. Nope. He got upset and refused to accept my apology for laughing. If it was plain, okay. But those zebra stripes? Hilarious!

Date starts with 'I'm a triple Scorpio, super intense, don’t cross me!' Took her to a chill noodle spot. She wasn't impressed, said I wasn’t dressed nice enough, and ghosted me immediately. Guess texting me about your star sign isn’t a good icebreaker.

Woke up, guy I was seeing had left, but the bathroom looked like a disaster zone—poop everywhere on toilet, floor, rugs, bath, shower curtains. Then I pull back my bed covers and yup—he pooped the bed too. Instant nope.

Mid-80s, fixed up by a friend’s mom. Gorgeous guy with a rose picks me up. We’re heading to the latest 'video bar' for dancing. We weren’t in the bar 5 minutes before he spots someone and hops off—next thing I know, he’s yelling and crying at a man and his wife. Turns out, that was his boyfriend. I was stunned.

Met on a dating app, dude checked all the wrong boxes — way older, looks nothing like his pics, and lied about being 6’1” (he was more like 5’6”). Then he starts showing me dozens of dog photos and all the dog’s health issues. Suggests taking her to the vet, he refuses 'She’s just a dog.' I guess so, because I walked out.

Went to check on a girl I thought was in crisis. She wanted to drive and chat. That quickly turned into a multi-county high-speed chase after we got pulled by cops—and yep, we refused to stop. Ended with a state trooper throwing down a pit maneuver. Definitely not your average date.

Went to smoke and chill, guy’s ex shows up, kicks the door, and he tells me to escape through the window. Took his weed with me too—win?

After a few dates, I call it quits. She suddenly texts, upset I never tried to kiss her. I said I thought she didn’t want that. Turns out, she did. She was genuinely mad about it! Dating is confusing, man.

Spent the night at his place; morning wake-up call was 'You gotta leave, my mom’s coming to clean soon.' Talk about cutting it short!

Showed up to an Italian restaurant decked out in WHITE yoga pants after forgetting a reservation. He begged the waiter to hold the table for 30 minutes. Then, mid-chat, he starts sobbing about his mom who passed 15 years ago. To top it off, he asked me to spot him cash because he ran out. Talk about a night.

Thought he arrived by Uber. Nope—turned out his girlfriend was driving him, and he lied saying it was a business meeting. Yup, classic.

Not my story, but a friend’s—date looked perfect, then a quick background check showed he’d been arrested for bigamy more than once. Facebook bio? Tons of female friends with the same first names. Yep, blocked him stat.

Coffee date with a guy who didn’t understand basic words like 'meander' or 'mortified.' Then, when I finally escaped that boredom, my car had been towed! He had to drive me to the tow lot. $200 later, the night was a total fail.

He wouldn’t tell me what car he drove because he thought I might be a gold digger. It was an Infinity. Yeah, thanks, but where's the gold to dig, buddy?

First date surprise? He’s in a Maroon 5 cover band. Instead of going straight to dinner, he drove around for an hour so I could listen to him sing along to his own CD. An hour. Yep.

First date, guy drives past his ex’s apartment and declares he’s still in love with her. Then, drops how promiscuous he’s been (hello STDs) and shares that sleeping around helps him deal with depression. That’s... a lot. But hey, at least he was honest.

His car was a disaster zone: garbage and vomit everywhere. Smelled like a hot dumpster. He acted like it was normal. I nope’d out. He even started working at my job later. Eek.

Met this guy at church, said yes to coffee, then dinner. He took me to his sisters’ joint birthday—right after their preacher dad passed. Lots of crying, sadness, then an angry demand to watch the creepy movie 'Hard Candy.' Awkward intensifies.

Not me, but my wife’s pre-us story. The dude starts telling her and her mom how 'sensual' a turkey is. We’ve been laughing about 'sensual turkey guy' for 25 years. I can’t make this stuff up.

First date included a FaceTime call so his mom could 'inspect' me and make sure I wasn’t 'fat.' She also asked if I had any 'fat friends' because they might rub off on me. There was so much more awkwardness. Spoiler: no second date.

Went out, he tried to vape where it was forbidden. Waitress caught him, told him to stop. He lied, then gave her the finger on the way out. We got yelled at and kicked out. I went back to apologize. Goodnight and good riddance.

Had a blind date, realized no spark, so we parted ways—only to randomly see each other on every part of my hour-long commute. Tried ignoring, but she yelled at me for 'stalking' her right outside my house. Yikes.

Second date brings overnight bag. Gorgeous guy, med researcher. After, he goes to my bathroom and asks why I don’t have any meds — pain pills? Nope, he wanted hard stuff to swipe. Made sure he never came back—even though he was a catch otherwise.

Met a guy at college bar, hit it off, spent the night, then he vanished in the morning. Also, all my roommates' prescription meds were stolen. Heartbreaking and embarrassing. Then five weeks later, surprise—pregnant.

Met a girl at a casual party. Her behavior went from cool to obsessively possessive when friends asked about me. It was actually an engagement party turned wedding. Freaked me out so bad I ran and blocked her everywhere.

First date guy was a real convo dud. Asked about favorite and least favorite holidays. Favorites fine (thanksgiving), but least favorite was JUNETEENTH. He wasn’t even black. Still mind-blowing years later.

Met a guy, hit it off, then on our way to a movie, he drags me to Kay’s Jewelers to try on engagement rings. On date number one! Talk about moving too fast.

Went on a date with a guy who didn’t blink or smile once. Just stared with a totally creepy, serial killer vibe. Kept saying how pretty I was, but it felt... off. Like, stay back, please.

Asked me out for a date, threw in a surprise double date with his ex (dated less than a month before). Added some other random guy for extra drama. Conversation was dead, weird vibes all around. I entertained them until I escaped.

Invited a potential date over for beers, then we played Monopoly to 'get to know each other.' He lost, threw a tantrum, cried, and threw game pieces. Showed him the door—25 vs. 28 years old, no thanks.

Online profile said 'height doesn’t matter.' Date showed up, looked like a 12-year-old, drove a lifted truck, creepy high-pitched giggle. Changed my profile to 'You can be short OR shy, pick a struggle!'