Wait, They Actually Ranked These Halloween Jokes?!

Why did the witch go to school?

To improve her spelling.

Who do monsters buy cookies from?

Ghoul scouts.

How do you fix a broken jack-o'-lantern?

Use a pumpkin patch.

Why did the skeleton climb the tree?

Because a dog was after his bones.

What is a monster’s favorite dessert?

I scream.

What kind of street do ghosts live on?

A dead end.

Why was the black cat so good at video games?

It had nine lives.

What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?

A dead-y bear.

What is a werewolf’s favorite holiday?

Howl-oween.

What do skeletons say before a meal?

Bone appetit.

Why don’t ghosts like rain?

It dampens their spirits.

Where do spirits send their letters?

To the ghost office.

When do cows turn into werewolves?

During the full moooon.

Which monster loves to dance?

The Boogieman.

Where do mummies like to go swimming?

In the Dead Sea.

Why are ghosts bad liars?

Because you can see right through them.

What do you call two witches who live together?

Broom-mates.

What do ghosts do at slumber parties?

They tell each other scary human stories at night.

Why didn’t the pumpkin cross the road?

It had no guts.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?

They’re scared to unwind.

What’s a bat’s favorite sport?

Bat-minton.

Why did the vampire get braces?

To improve his bite.

What happens when a vampire and a snowman meet?

Frostbite.

What is a witch’s best lesson at school?

Spelling.

Why did the zombie take a nap?

He was dead tired.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Witch.

Witch who?

Witch one of you has candy?

What meal do skeletons order at a restaurant?

Spare ribs.

What shoes do baby ghosts wear?

Boo-ties.

How did the zombie become so good at trick-or-treating?

Dead-ication.

What kind of bat can’t fly?

A baseball bat.

What do demons eat for breakfast?

Deviled eggs.

Why was the skeleton sad?

He had no body to love.

Why are mummies so good at work?

They get wrapped up in it.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo who?

No need to cry!

What do black cats say when the Halloween candy runs out?

You’ve got to be kitten me!

Where does Dracula keep his money?

At the blood bank.

Why did the scarecrow skip dinner?

He was already stuffed.

Why don’t zombies eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A neck-tarine.

Which vampire is the best at math?

Count Dracula.

Which room do ghosts not need in their homes?

A living room.

What do birds say when they go out for Halloween?

Trick or tweet.

Why did the ghost refuse Halloween candy?

It didn’t have the stomach for it.

Why did the vampire fail art class?

He could only draw blood.

What do monsters put on their cocoa?

Whipped scream.

What do you get if you cross a witch with the beach?

A sand-witch.

What do ghosts use to do their makeup?

Vanishing cream.

Why do skeletons use so much lotion?

Their hands are always bone dry.

What do witches put on to go trick-or-treating?

Mas-scare-ra.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

His ghoul-friend.

What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?

The trom-bone.

What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?

Coffin drops.

Why did the vampire need mouthwash?

He had bat breath.

How do you make a skeleton laugh?

Tickle his funny bone.

Why didn’t the zombie go to school?

He felt rotten.

How do monsters like their eggs cooked?

Terri-fried.

How do you get inside a locked graveyard?

Use the skeleton key.

Where do werewolves store their Halloween candy?

In a were-house.

What do ghouls use to wash their hair?

Sham-boo

What do witches put on their bagels?

Scream cheese.

How did two vampires fall in love?

It was love at first bite.

Who is the spookiest cartoon character?

Winnie the Boo.

What is a bird’s favorite game to play on Halloween?

Ducking for apples.

What do you do with a green monster?

Wait until it’s ripe!

What sort of birthday food do ghosts prefer to eat?

I scream cake.

Why couldn’t the police arrest the zombie?

He would not be taken alive.

Where would you find a monster snail?

At the end of a monster’s finger!

What is a skeleton’s favorite band?

The Dead Hot Chili Peppers.

Why did the monster name his pet werewolf Frost?

Because Frost bites.

Where do you find the spookiest snacks to give to trick or treaters?

At the ghost-ery store.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Ada.

Ada who?

Ada whole bag of candy while out trick or treating!

Why don’t they play any music at skeleton church?

There are no organs.

What kind of televisions would you find in a haunted house?

Wide-scream TVs.

What is Count Dracula’s favorite holiday?

Fangs-giving.

For Halloween, my friend and I are going to dress up as almonds…

Everyone will think we’re nuts!

Who is best at spooky fancy dress?

Mummies and deadies.

On what day do monsters eat people?

Chews-day.

What should you do if a zombie rolls his eyes at you?

Roll them back to him.

Can a monster jump higher than a tree?

Of course, trees can’t jump!

What do ghosts put on their Thanksgiving turkey?

Grave-y.

What happens to bad witches who break the school rules?

They get ex-spelled.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

The interrupting ghost.

The interrupting ghost w-

Boo!

How does a monster count to 13?

On their fingers.

Why can’t Frankenstein’s monster fly?

He never makes it through the metal detector.

What do birds give to trick or treaters?

Sweet tweets.

What did the werewolf say when he broke his toe?

Ow-oooooh!

Why can’t werewolves play basketball?

They get too many howls.

Did you hear about the gloomy jack-o’-lantern?

It really needs to lighten up.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Bea.

Bea who?

Bea-ware, it’s Halloween night!

How did Dracula learn to be a good vampire?

He took a crash corpse.

How do monsters keep their homes cool in the summer?

They use scare-conditioning.

What’s the best way to catch a vampire?

Get someone to throw him at you.

Two black kittens got into an argument…

It was a big cat-astrophe!

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive Halloween so much!

What is a ghost’s favorite flavor of muffin?

Boo-berry.

What do ghosts do when their eyes get blurry?

Put on their spook-tacles.

Who loves to play practical jokes on Halloween?

Prank-enstein.

What did the monster order at the all-you-can-eat buffet?

The waiters.

How can you tell if a vampire is getting sick?

She starts coffin.

Where do ghost parents send their children while they’re working?

To day-scare.

Why did the three witches call a plumber?

Hubble, bubble, toilet trouble.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because there was no body on the other side.

Why was there thunder and lightning inside the laboratory?

Dr. Frankenstein was brain-storming.

What fruit do haunted scarecrows love the most?

Straw-berries.

When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

If you are a mouse.

Why was the broomstick late?

It over-swept.

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to get a new clock.

Why is it so hard to understand what zombies are saying?

They’re too crypt-ic.

What happens when pumpkins eat alcohol?

They get smashed.

What did the child mummy want to be when he grew up?

A wrap star.

Are skeletons good at painting?

No, they prefer skullptures.

Why shouldn’t a witch take her broom out when she’s angry?

She might fly off the handle.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Tyson.

Tyson who?

Tyson garlic around your neck to keep the vampires away.

Who should you hire to write a book about Halloween?

A ghostwriter.

Where do deviled eggs come from?

Evil hens.

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

“Do you believe in humans?”

Why did the pumpkin go to school?

So it could become more well-rounded.

Why did the mummy go to jail?

Because she was running a pyramid scheme.

Why does a witch always escape on a broomstick?

So she can make a clean getaway.

What did the candy bar say when the door opened on Halloween night?

Twix or treat!

How do you get to Transylvania?

On a scare-plane.

Why do vampires love Thanksgiving so much?

Because they’re got a lot to be fang-ful for.

The poor little ghost fell down.

But it’s okay now.

It just has a little boo-boo.

Vampires never study for tests.

They just transform and wing it.

Why did the ghost quit studying?

Because he was just too ghoul for school.

Why are trick or treaters never on time?

They’re always running choco-late.

What is a vampire’s least favorite food?

Garlic bread.

What does a mummy put on top of his ice cream sundae?

Whipped scream.

What is white, black, and dead all over?

A zombie out trick or treating in a tuxedo.

What jokes do skeletons like best?

Rib ticklers.

Who is the most famous undead detective?

Sherlock Bones.

What song do vampires hate hearing?

You Are My Sunshine.

What do you call a ghoul sitting too close to a campfire?

A toasty ghosty.

What do they grow in the Halloween land garden?

Zombeets.

Why did the travelling witch throw up after a flight?

She was broom sick.

What city do most werewolves live in?

Howllywood.

What is a vampire’s favorite candy?

Suckers.

What do you call a stupid skeleton?

Bonehead.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Howl.

Howl who?

Howl-oween.

What Halloween treat keeps you up all night?

A coffee apple.