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So there was this one guy, and for some reason I stuck around, but the biggest nope moment was when we were FaceTiming and his mom walks in like, “How are your toenails? Need me to trim ‘em?” Wait, what? Your mom trims your toenails? Nope.
I thought six months of talking to Zach was promising. We finally hooked up, and he gave me a high five and said he’d send a survey to rate him. I barely got to my car before getting a text: "How did Big Papa satisfy you? Rate 1-10." Yeah, I deleted and blocked ASAP.
I told him my favorite books, and he was like, “I don’t read fiction. Why waste time on imaginary stuff?” Meanwhile, he’s all about Marvel. Make it make sense!
He crashed at my place, and while I was doing my nightly teeth and face washing, he told me to get in bed and quit pretending I actually brushed my teeth every single night. I had no idea it was optional!
About five months after getting hitched, he looks at me at Christmas and says I use too many big words and need to stop outsmarting him in front of people. That was basically a breakup forecast.
First meet-up, and he wants to stop by his place to grab something. Then he invites me in and asks me to cook for his five starving kids because he can't cook. Yeah, no. Uber home it is.
We were peacefully watching squirrels when he suddenly claps loudly, and off they scatter. When I asked why, he claimed, "We’re in our habitat, not theirs." Yeah, no thanks. That clap was the deal breaker.
He legit was jealous of a tampon because he thought it would "stretch things out." Spoiler alert: He was already too small. Then he’d say my name like a baby. Instant nope.
I made hard-boiled eggs, and he just popped one in his mouth with the shell still on. The crunch sound? One of my worst experiences.
At 5 AM, I woke up to a noise and caught him rummaging through my stuff and boxes under my bed. Major invasion of privacy vibes.
Complimented his eyes in sunlight once, next thing I know, my phone’s packed with 10 close-ups of his eyes from every angle, Twilight-style. Nope.
He insisted on eating grilled cheese with milk in bed before sleeping - ‘cause that’s what his mommy did. Ugh.
About to kiss this great date, but I spot serious buildup on his teeth. I asked if he brushes, and he said he doesn't believe in toothbrushes. Immediate backup.
I said 'diligent' and he told me to stop using big words to confuse him. Thanks for the vote of confidence, buddy.
He ordered a Dr. Pepper without ice to “get more in the glass” and whispered it like it was a secret. Got mad when I mentioned refills. Priceless.
At Olive Garden, he blasted Falling in Reverse from his phone while we just sat there waiting. I wanted to disappear.
Went to ramen, and he fake burped between drinks ‘cause he said it’s a compliment to the chef. Chef didn’t buy it.
He kept calling his mom throughout dinner on our first date just to tell her how much he liked me. Slow it down, dude.
He told me I had pretty nails as he touched my hand - but his fingernails were dirtier than a mud puddle. Nope.
On our sushi first date, he dipped his finger in wasabi and ate it like guac. He gagged super hard. Classic rookie move.
He said he was broke and I pitched in for Jimmy Johns. Then he asked his roommate if he wanted anything, like I was paying for that too. Um, no.
On our first date, I realized he snapped his fingers after every sentence, like a living period. Instant nope, never called again.
First time at his place, and there it was: poopy underwear on the floor of his bedroom. Not in the trash. Yeah, I left very quickly.
He said his daughter loves Christmas, but he didn’t have a tree or anything at his place. She only sees decorations at her grandma’s. That’s just sad.
He genuinely thought the whole female population got their periods at the same time. Science, buddy?
He tried sushi once, made faces like the worst thing ever, ran outside, and pretended to throw up just so I’d feel bad. And he’s 40! Yikes.
Took me to Panda Express and tried to school me in chopstick use. When I admitted I already knew, he sulked for the rest of the date. Childish much?
He bragged about his sister being the most beautiful woman ever and wanted a girlfriend who’d fight other girls in public for him. Red flag alert.
He sang 'Creep' at the top of his lungs during a movie and stared at me the whole time. I wanted to disappear.
This dude showed up carrying a drawstring bag on dates, but it had just one chapstick inside. What was the point?
I told him I liked his laugh, so he cranked it up every time I said something funny. I stopped cracking jokes to save us both.
He said Panda Express orange chicken was "too spicy" and gave his tummy the sad face, whining and pretending like a toddler. Epic nope.
I was the plus-one at a wedding when my date tried high-fiving the groom during the aisle walk. Groom completely ignored him, and I was mortified all night.
He got drunk and shared a video of him kissing his guy friend, then seriously asked if I was jealous. Nope.
He brought his ukulele on a nature walk and played “Hey There Delilah” nonstop for two hours. We got lost, so it was basically eternal.
I shared my favorite song was “Where Is My Mind” and he called it weird and sad, saying he’d introduce me to “good music.” Then he played Uptown Funk. Hard pass.
He showed up with one single Alfredo TV dinner as “dinner” and then tried to eat it in my bed. Nope.
He thought locking eyes while backing up his truck was romantic - until he hit the car behind him. Smooth.
He bragged about being a CEO on his dating bio, but his job? Barber. Big flex, not gonna lie.
He sang “Hey There Delilah” while my back was turned, then freaked out when I tried to watch. “Don’t look at me!” Yep, no eye contact ever again.
We were playing mini golf, and when I asked who won, he just ate the scorecard. I still don’t know what happened.
Got into a fight and he straight up called his mom to snitch on me. Talk about bringing backup.
On our third date goodbye, he kissed me, turned around, finger-gunned and said, “That will give you something to think about.” I’m still confused.
He looked great, was wealthy, but talking with him was like chatting with a soggy piece of bread. I had to drag answers out. So disappointing.
He seemed ready to have me pay for our movie tickets and said, “She’s got it.” I just said ‘Nope’ and walked away. Bye.
He came out of the bathroom without washing hands. When I pointed it out, he rolled his eyes and mocked me by saying, “Okay, Mom,” before finally washing up. Nope.
He had a serious obsession with Texas. Spouted stats and geography all date long, yet never even visited. Odd.
Giant chunks of earwax kept falling out of his ears since he never cleaned them. That was the end for me.
He gave me a letter and said not to open it until he left. Date was full of little ‘icks’ like no reservation and making me drive. The letter started with, “If you’re reading this, the date went well.” Spoiler alert: It didn’t.
On date two, his heartburn hit so hard he started crying and asked me to hold him. Awkward but memorable.
He 'jogged' across a crosswalk but never sped up - his steps just bounced super high like Mario on Rainbow Road. Instant eye-roll.
He said he spent a month in London and caught the accent - but toward the end of the date, it suddenly slipped out randomly. Priceless.
He bonded with my dog, but next morning was covered in dog hair and I was like ew, no way. Said I wanted to end it but then felt bad and gave it another shot. Now he’s my husband, and we laugh about it.
I said I like haircuts with bangs on me, and guess what? He got bangs. My bad taste or his influence?
He faked speaking Italian and just made up nonsense, thinking I’d be fooled. Spoiler: I wasn’t.
He told me he was going to sue me after getting a DUI on the way home from our first date. Yeah, I’m out.
I’m a lesbian, but once dated a guy who serenaded me with Blake Shelton hits for 45 minutes. I was so awkward.
He refused to believe in the letter C, always replacing it with S or K. Made reading texts a puzzle.
This guy snuck ice cream sandwiches into my bathroom to munch secretly - ate three back to back. Cheeky!
He made me laugh once by cartwheeling in front of an automatic door. Then he cartwheeled every time we approached a door. Mad much?
He insisted on doing the Thriller dance when meeting my parents for the first time - but did it in complete silence. Weird flex.
He sent me a selfie with, “Could you imagine waking up to this every day?” I’m still thinking about it.
We went to Burger King, and he was like, “This is expensive.” Well, welcome to fast food, buddy.
He bent down to get his dog’s leash, the dog bolted, and he chased it while still bent over. Comedy gold.
He played his SoundCloud rap for me, and I smiled and nodded like it was amazing. Nice try!
Not the strangest but the closet full of fedoras just beneath his bow ties gave me the biggest ick. Fashion disaster alert.
We were on the verge of breaking up when he farted horribly. I just stood up and said, “I can’t do this anymore.”
We were cruising with the windows down, and his earlobes flapped like flags. Still can’t unsee it.
My ex girlfriend showed up at Olive Garden wearing a Mike Myers Jason mask. Halloween or horror date? You decide.
He said “damn there” instead of “damn near” and spelled “doubt” as “doupt.” Language skills? Nope.
He wore his socks all floppy with toes kinda chilling out in the front. Toe tents? No thanks.
He couldn’t line up his tires for the car wash, and the worker had to come out to help. Literal carwash fail.
He wore slides way too big, and grabbed the front with his toes while walking. Toe grip skills: questionable.
He wished me “sweat dreams” instead of “sweet dreams.” I’m still not sure if it was a typo or love.
Broke up ‘cause his voice was way higher than expected. Picture Channing Tatum but with a baby bird voice.
He lost his phone, so he wore his iPad in a bag while pumping gas. Then leaned on my car and farted. Done.
I ordered a tiny 6 oz steak, and he did the same. He struggled to finish it. Never seen that before.
I dated him three months and finally saw his knock knees in shorts. Broke up right then, made up a story. Shallow? Yep.
Was moving a rug and accidentally farted. Instead of ignoring, he went, “Oopsie - I tooted.” Classic.
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