The Wildest Doctor Office Oops Moments Ever

I had a cyst on my right shoulder caused by a blocked sweat gland. The damn thing had swollen up, and I went to the ER. The doctor entered the room with a medical student. The doctor decides to cut into the cyst to relieve pressure. The doctor makes the cut, and I feel the student push down. I then hear the student squeal out. I look back and see the poor student covered in pus from my cyst. And it was bad too, like a '90s Nickelodeon TV show where someone is covered in slime, bad. The poor wee thing stood there, her face and upper chest covered in putrid, smelly pus dispelled from my back.

My father is a nurse. He used to be an ER nurse (he now works in patient transport, which is a bit less nutty). He once came home from a night shift and said to me, with a straight face, 'You know you're a trained professional when you manage to keep a straight face while taking a lava lamp out of a woman.' I did not stop laughing for a solid minute.

I thought I had a tapeworm. I brought my 'specimen' to the doctor in a plastic bag. All the nurses came in to inspect it. I had the doctor even look at my butthole. I wanted to evaporate out of embarrassment. You can imagine how I felt when they told me it was vegetable matter from the spring rolls I had eaten the night before. The walk of shame was real.

I was once constipated. I was roughly 12-13 at the time, and didn't really know about constipation. Every now and then, a nugget would pop out, and I simply thought that's all the poop I had to do. One sunny afternoon, I experienced a severe cramp in my gut. A contraction, if you will. I spoke to my mother (who is a nurse at a hospital) and explained my predicament. We went to our local doctor, and he explained that I had a poop backlog, and it could really do with being evacuated. Quite soon. (Looking back on it this did take place over about nine months).

I was checked into another hospital in a few days and administered suppositories. No effect. I then received an enema. This also had no effect. Over the course of the next two days, I received another set of suppositories and two enemas. Then, one night while I was asleep, my body let its guard down. I awoke with another contraction and I headed for the lavatory.

As I sat down on the toilet, I heard what could only be described as the gates of Hell being opened, and felt my body literally become about five pounds lighter in three seconds. My entire lower body went numb. As I tried to move, the small of my back ached. I called for a nurse, and after being helped back to bed, I overheard the words 'Waste Team' being said.

I spent the next 10 hours in a deep sleep, whilst I spent the next day in a wheelchair, before being able to use my legs again, and that toilet was out of use for three more days. I think they had to replace it.

My Dad was getting his prostate checked out by a pretty good-looking female urologist. She had to insert a catheter because Dad had trouble peeing. When she removed it, he accidentally peed on her leg. She took it like a champ and joked, "If I don't get pee'd on at least once a day, my husband will suspect I'm ditching work to have an affair." Talk about a pro!

Went to the ER stressing about serious stuff like appendix and gallbladder pain...and surprise! It turned out I was just really, seriously constipated. Sometimes the body says it loud and clear, huh?

On Valentine's Day, I freaked after pooping blood and rushed to the doc. She checked me out and said, "Nothing wrong, have you eaten beetroot lately?" I did, but I was too embarrassed to admit it. Worst V-Day ever.

Had hemorrhoids, and let me tell you, that exam? Not fun. Had to lie on my side in the fetal position while the doc checked out business down below like he was about to read a book. Yikes!

At 15, I was chillin' on the doctor's short table wondering why it was so tiny. I pulled out fancy leg extensions thinking I'd lengthen it. Doc walked in, lost it laughing, and asked if I wanted a special exam. Didn't get it until 20 years later! Epic delayed embarrassment.

During my vasectomy, the skin smoked so much it set off the fire alarm. Suddenly, a bunch of hospital staff burst in - while I was totally exposed. Talk about a smoky situation!

At 5 years old, I thought air freshener was ear freshener. So, I plugged a Febreze nozzle into my ear and sprayed. Burning pain and damaged eardrums later, I quickly learned you don't put spray in your ears. Oops.

My little brother loved peas so much he basically clogged up his system. When the doc gave him ex lax, green pea poop came flying out like a scene from a comedy, splattering the whole exam room. The doc never let us forget it.

I had a nasty throat infection and my hot doc warned a swab would make me gag. I proudly showed her a trick my buddy taught me to stop gagging - squeezing my left thumb. It worked! She was impressed but raised an eyebrow when I claimed it was "some guy" who showed me. Totally embarrassed!

I gave birth two weeks ago and got an epidural. Apparently those things make it impossible to hold in a fart. Did not know that. My technique was talking loudly every time I farted.

I showed up worrying about tongue sores thinking it was an STD. Doc told me my toothbrush was way too rough and had caused the damage. Prescribed a softer brush instead of a shocker diagnosis. Close call!

Had a CT scan during my vasectomy with the note 'p***s: unremarkable'. It’s just a little funny typo that gave me a chuckle, nothing wild - but still, who writes notes like that?

I got a weird parasite after a hurricane knocked out water pipes, and my hospital called in hordes of med students to quiz me about it. They even tested my hedgehog’s poop at 3 a.m.! Turns out, the fancy 'third world' parasite was just good old Giardia. Classic!

Getting ready for a pool party, I wore a halter top swimsuit that pinched a nerve in my neck. I pulled the strap off and relief hit immediately - but too late for the docs. I was too embarrassed to tell them it was my swimsuit causing all the drama.

I hate needles, so my doc casually pulled a hidden shot from his pocket. Surprise! I punched him in the face trying to avoid it and broke his glasses. He grabbed me, gave me the shot, and I couldn’t look him in the eye for years. Talk about a dramatic poke!

After having nasal polyps removed, my doc was scraping out some monstrous blood clots. One just wouldn’t budge, and when it finally popped off, it slapped his cheek like a giant, bloody snot string. He had to wash up after that epic 'wallop'.

I was lazy about taking my pricey blood thinners and ended up hospitalized with clots in my lungs and a kidney infection. Now I’m all about taking meds on time. Lesson learned the hard way!

I recently had a sore throat, and when trying to get a good look at it in the mirror, I noticed these large, pink spots all over the very back of my tongue. I spent a week fretting over it, wondering what they were and why they weren't going away, until my mom became worried enough about them that she accompanied me to my doctor. Upon examining my throat and tongue, he pronounced that what I was seeing was...my taste buds. I have never seen my doctor, who is an incredibly stoic man, smile so widely before. My family will never let me live it down.

Was young and had never swallowed a pill. Got given a Tylenol, chewed it up like candy, and immediately threw up. The doc’s reaction? "...You just swallow them with water." Oops, rookie move.

I lost 40 pounds and started using my CPAP again. The pressure pumped so much air I swallowed tons and gas was nonstop. I affectionately called it 'The Fartening' and had to explain this wild gas attack to my gastro doctor. True story!

At 8 months pregnant and super gassy, I finally let out a tiny fart in the doctor’s office. It was small but oh man did it stink. Just as that happened, the doctor walked in and asked, 'What’s that smell?' Yep, right on time!

I got a rash from a new perfume by Christian Dior called 'Poison'. The nurse kept asking what it was called until I sheepishly said it out loud. She couldn’t stop giggling, and I get why. Talk about unfortunate perfume naming!

I had a recurring ear infection that just wouldn’t quit. Turns out, a hearing aid dome fell off and got stuck deep inside my ear, causing all the issues. The doc said I was the youngest patient he'd ever fished one out of. Whoops!

I had a rash develop on my left armpit when I was 18. It was awful. So bad that it looked like one of those 'frosty' burns which kids used to give to each other with cans of deodorant. I assumed that I was an idiot and had given myself a frosty by using deodorant too vigorously.
I eventually got to the doctor, and I explained how I had given myself a frosty. He just looked at me for a while before saying: 'I don't know what a frosty is - and I don't condone those - but I CAN tell you that this is Impetigo... A rash mainly developed by dirty 2–5 year olds.'

I know it’s totally normal, but I will never stop cringing about pooping during childbirth. Bonus: I also blasted the midwife in the face when my water broke like a burst. Yes, it was like a slapstick comedy scene.

At 13, I tried to look like a pirate by wearing one of my sister’s stick-on earrings in my ear canal instead of the lobe. Ended up pushing it in so deep no one could get it out. Urgent care was not a fan of my pirate style!

High school life had me skipping bathroom breaks and barely drinking water. I tried to tough it out but ended up with severe dehydration and stomach cramps so bad I couldn’t stand. ER diagnosed me as Super Blocked and told me to drink way more water. Ouch!

Got diagnosed with an STD, the doc gave me a lecture, and I was way too shy to admit my wife actually gave it to me. Sometimes honesty is the hardest part.

I accidentally got super glue in my eye and when I went to the doctor, he literally laughed in my face. Dude, I’m already in pain! Can you at least pretend to care?

I broke my wrist playing soccer on Xbox Kinect. I’m super clumsy thanks to epilepsy, and tried to kick but fell backward, using my hand to catch the fall. The doc was amazed I managed to do that indoors!

This pretty young nurse used to hang out in my room in the couple of days before my surgery. She gave me company and I was her escape from rude old men. She always smelled nice. So, the surgery was at the end of my spine. I was hairy even in high school. One time, she comes in with breakfast, and I'm like, 'Hey!' She has a stone face. 'Turn around, please.' I do, and off comes the gown, and she starts shaving me for the next hour. It was never the same after that.