Kids Said WHAT?! 28 Totally Hilarious Toddler Quotes That Will Crack You Up

After sporting a beard for 10 years, I shaved it off.
My 7-year-old freaked out, yelling, “DAD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?!”
Me: “This is how I looked when I married your mum.”
7yo: “WHY DID SHE MARRY YOU?!?!?”
Oof. Burned by tiny truth bombs.

My niece (age 2) heard me sneeze and yelled "Godzilla!"
Confused, I asked why.
She gave me a look like I was nuts and said, “That’s what you say when someone sneezes.”
30 years later, I still say "Godzilla" after sneezing. Totally stuck with me.

My son couldn’t pronounce “octopus” so we called it “tentacle salad.”
Guests were milling about when he runs yelling, “Hey, we're having testicle salad!”
Yep. We had to assure everyone no actual testicles were involved. Classic food fail by a toddler’s pronunciation.

As a teacher who loves wearing black (because it’s slimming!), a student once looked me over and sadly said, “It’s not working, Miss.”
Laughs all around, and hey, at least they’re honest!

At the rink, my little bro saw my hairy armpits and freaked out.
His reaction: “WHY IS IT SO HAIRY?”
Me: “Because I’m a mammal, buddy.”
Him: “That’s weird.”
Toddlers keep it real.

Little lady out of the blue: “When I grow up, I won’t have a husband. I’m going to be a widow.”
Talk about planning your love life like a tiny fortune teller.

Dad tried swatting a stubborn fly with a rolled-up newspaper.
Smack! He accidentally smashed the toaster and hurt his hand.
Little bro asked, “Did you kill the fly with the toaster?”
Dad: “Well, I got it!”
Kid: “Yeah, and the toaster too.”
Epic fail turned comedy gold.

My niece, age 4, saw my acne and asked why I had strawberries on my face.
Surprisingly sweet and funny at the same time!

Talking about genes, I said my nephew had his mum's genes.
He totally misunderstood and yelled: “No! Those are my jeans! I saw them when we bought them! I’m not wearing Mum’s jeans!”
Cue foot stomping and full toddler tantrum.

Riding a packed bus late at night, a kid stares at me like I’m a statue.
I start making funny faces.
Kid yells: “MOM! The man behind is making faces! He’s gonna stay like that! Tell him!”
Red face? Check. Instant embarrassment? Double check.

Promised my kid that if he tidied toys 10 days straight, he could pick anything from the Two Dollar Shop.
He asked: “Anything?”
Then promised, “But I won’t pick anything too expensive.”
Kid logic wins again.

My 10-year-old threw a tantrum and told us we’re “as weak as a pigeon.”
A weird insult from tiny fists, but hey, we laughed for days.

My 6-year-old nephew saw me drawing skulls and asked if I’m decorating my room like a torture chamber.
Nearly fell off the couch laughing.

My 4-year-old nephew got cool light-up shoes.
He’d run into the closet, shut the door, and say, “See, Uncle? They light up!”
When his dad came home, he did the same - door closed, dad outside.
Dad: “I can't see them.”
Nephew: “Well, Uncle could!” Toddler logic 101.

Not religious, but at Easter, someone gave us cookies shaped like crosses.
My 5-year-old said, “Those aren’t swords, they’re crosses.”
Asked what a cross was.
She said, “It’s a big wooden thing you put people on.”
Honest kiddo, my hat’s off.

Outta nowhere, my 5-year-old asked, “Mommy, when you die, can I have your bras?”
Kids cut straight to the weird and wonderful.

My 3-year-old caught me cursing sometimes.
One day she said, “Mommy, I want to say WTF.”
She even said it like a question, probably hoping for permission.
Sneaky, tiny negotiator!

Walking down the street, a 4-year-old came up to me, smiled, waved, and said, “Hi, Grandpa!”
Wrong generation, kid, but points for friendliness.

Kid squashed the bathroom panic with, “It’s okay, no need to look for a bathroom anymore – I already peed myself.”
Crisis averted via honesty.

Asked my kindergartener what she wants to be when she grows up.
She said, “Six.”
Nailed it.

Talking to a friend, tried to hush my daughter.
She said, “But Dad, you have two ears.”
Guess I can multitask then.

Friend was walking up stairs and a 6-year-old coming down stopped, stared, and demanded, “Do you have any common sense?”
Walked off, leaving her stunned.
Kid’s got sass for days.

Kid at day camp spread a rumor I married Shrek.
They even sent me fan mail of us making out.
Now I have pounds of Shrek love letters.
Camp life just got weird.

My 3-year-old asked, “Where is God?” in the car.
Told her God’s everywhere.
She said, “He must be up front with you, ‘cause He’s not back here with me.”
Tiny kid, huge logic.

Dad: “You didn’t eat lunch! How do you survive school?”
Big kid: “I make homework.”
Mom: “Help put away toys!”
Mid-kid: “No, my arms are too short.”
Broken toy? Lil-kid: “It wasn’t me, it was my hands!”
Family comedy gold.

Son asked to dump water in his bucket.
Then poured it on the cat.
I said, “That wasn’t very nice.”
He replied, “No, but it was funny.”
The family motto ever since.

Driving through Oklahoma, my 11-year-old asked if they had a football team.
Told him no, they root for Chiefs or Cowboys.
My 7-year-old said, “Why don’t they root for Oklahoma Raiders?”
Best nickname ever.

My 4-year-old pointed at a big lady and said, “Fat hooters!”
We blame a Steve Martin skit.
Toot toot!