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Wait, They Actually Said That? Dating Brain Fails That Are Too Funny to Believe
Dated this guy briefly- we were getting steamy, and he asked if I was on the pill. I reminded him that I’d had a hysterectomy a few months before, he goes, “What is that?” I tell him I don’t have a uterus. “Ok, are you on the Pill, though?”
Dried up like a puddle in Death Valley.
Dude wouldn't wear a seatbelt because he didn't like people telling him what to do and "big government" can't control him.
When he tried to surprise me with a homemade dinner and put a frozen pizza in the oven with the cardboard still on it. The smoke alarm went off, the cat panicked, and he looked at me and said "i think it needs 5 more minutes." I loved that man but he had exactly 2 brain cells and they were both fighting for third place.
In high school I was starting to date this girl and when I asked her address to pick her up she didn’t know it. I had to walk her through going out to the street and telling me what it was.
Cue a flashback of all the “hilarious” jokes she’d made that sparked my interest in her and the sudden realization that she was probably just being serious.
When I realized he only showered before the gym, never after and when questioned he was adamant that he didn’t need to because the clean would carry over. “It’s what my dad does”, I had to explain to him that no his dad was just showering at the gym before coming home. He refused to believe me until we went downstairs and asked his dad who confirmed he did indeed shower at the gym.
This happened weeks before he proposed to me and I said yes so we were both dating idiots.
“I don’t like to put chemical in my body” when taking medicine, but yet drinks alcohol and soda. Eats processed foods.
He told me his ovaries hurt. I laughed. He was serious. I told him, unless he was keeping a serious secret, he didn’t have ovaries. He said, all men have ovaries. I broke up with him. I can’t date a man who is unaware of his own anatomy.
She faked asthma attacks for attention. Like, she told me she got asthma attacks, and I thought ok, that’s fair, let’s keep an eye out for those.
And then later she would be not part of the conversation and suddenly yell OH GOD and then immediately fall down onto the ground and pretend to be asleep.
I was a very lonely teenager, and even then I lasted through two of those before calling it quits. Ain't how asthma works, girl.
When he said “ all allergies” are made up and don’t require antihistamine (including EpiPen for anaphylactic shock- it’s in your head). Date no 2, I politely exited few mins after, never spoke to them again. Couldn’t do it, wasn’t a bad person, just NOT BRIGHT at all.
Edited: this man was 40, not 12. I don’t have allergies, nor did I mention it on the date. We were sitting outside at a cafe with our coffee, a pedestrian on the other side of the street walked by and sneezed- which led to this “allergy” talk by him. My mind kept thinking “I don’t know how to talk to you, sorry” (didn’t say it to him, what’s the point) as I was walking away.
I wasn’t dating them, but I once had a tinder match try to, I guess, impress me with an unprompted multi paragraph rant about chemtrails.
That’s gonna be a no from me dawg.
Confidently told me that he was having a hard time socializing at work because he kept ranting to people about how their kids disabilities would be cured if they ate better and went on a cleanse, nobody liked him and he didn’t understand why they didn’t just appreciate the advice.
His mom worked for one of those MLM supplement companies and I was the first to tell him she gets paid to spew nonsense.
He was not happy with me.
When I suspected my (now) ex of cheating on me, I opened his journal that he kept on the table right next to our bed. He was in fact cheating on me and I knew this because he had written about every detail of the cheating in the journal that he kept on the table right next to our bed.
He asked me to use smaller words. Followed by proudly pointing himself and proclaiming, “Simpleton!”
Ladies….. The word I used? Demographic. I can’t make this up.
She told me that I got Covid because I wasn’t “spiritually fit enough.” The full statement went something along the lines of “You got Covid because you’re not spiritually fit and therefore attract negative things. That’s why I’ll never get Covid - I’m spiritually fit and enlightened.” She also refused to get Covid tests unless they were required by her workplace (she was a grad student teaching courses), and she tore me a new one when I got the Covid vaccine, saying “I’ll never get a vaccine because I don’t want to get sick.” So her logic was basically that because she never got vaccines and never got tested for diseases, she was never sick. I wanna slap myself for staying in that relationship for such a long time.
He microwaved his iPod touch. We were long distance and couldn’t communicate until he got it replaced.
He was 18. And following a dumb lifehack he’d read online to extend the battery.
After taking a cross country road trip to meet her family, she looked up at the sky one afternoon and completely freaked out because she could see the moon out…. during the day! She thought the world was ending because there is no way you should be able to see the moon… during the day.
When he said "Why shouldn't I max out my credit cards. I wont ever have to pay that debt back".
An ex told me that if we had kids, our kids would be twins because he is a twin and twins run in his family ao I will absolutely birth twins. When I corrected him, he got upset and tried to google it. Google proved to him he was wrong and he got further upset and said "man, whatever! No one asked you!".
My ex called me freaking out because her car was "making a horrible grinding noise." I drove 40 minutes to her apartment. She'd been driving with the parking brake on for almost a week. When I showed her she just goes "well how was I supposed to know that's what that does."
He was majoring in physics at a reputable university but couldn’t figure out how to get a bookcase into another room, because it was taller than the doorway.
I blinked at him for a moment and told him to tip the bookcase and dip it under the doorframe and he was kind of mad at me for bringing up his major.
Announced that the world was flat as proved by “the YouTube videos” after 8 months. He let this one go while meeting my friends for the first time. Never saw him again.
When i was 15, I was going out with a white guy called Michael Johnson, also 15. He told me one day that he was related to the black athlete Michael Johnson. When I asked why, he said because they had the same name. I laughed, but quickly realised he was not joking.
We could smell gas in our apartment. I went and called the gas company. She used a lighter to look around the furnace.
She thought she could just casually run a red light with no consequence. We crashed and I broke up with her. She's a PhD materials scientist now. This girl was absolutely brilliant at school but outside of the classroom she was a freaking idiot. We were 19.
This isn't mine, but my brother's. His girlfriend asked my African American friend if black people were hotter than white people in the sun. Not sure when she thought my friend had experienced both races as comparison.
Another day she told us that her sister is pregnant and she can't wait to find out if she's gong to be an aunt or an uncle. Just gonna leave that one there.
We were making dinner together and I asked him to measure out some brown sugar. I hear the stove turn on behind me and see him pouring sugar into a pan over the heat. When I asked him what he’s doing he replies that he’s “browning the sugar.”
We met in culinary school.
She is pumping gas into her car and yells over that the gas nozzle is weird and doesn't quite fit right. I walk over and she is pumping diesel into a petrol vehicle. Glad that one didn't work out.
He was trying to say he didn’t like illegal people coming over and dating Americans and said he wouldn’t have dated me if he would’ve known I was half Hawaiian.
When I finally had the courage to say that I thought I was being harassed by an internship supervisor, he asked me: what did you do that might have made him think you were interested?
When he asked how come Mexicans speak Spanish if they live in Asia. I asked like Mexicans who move there? Nope he thought I was Asian because he thought Mexico was in Asia.
I never saw him again.
Ex husband was attempting to cook and asked me, “how can you tell when the water is boiling?”.
He thought Andrea Bocelli was singing gibberish, like he doesn't know other languages exist (dude is bilingual in English/spanish).
You know that really simple card game "War"? The one thats just two people flipping over random cards and seeing who has the higher one?
She proudly boasted to me about how good she was at it.
First date with a girl who told me her big business idea of buying a house and renting it on Airbnb.
I asked how many rentals she'd need and what price per night to make the investment back.
She said something like “It won’t take that many.”
So I asked if she knew roughly what houses cost.
She said: “I thought they were like 20k?”
She genuinely thought houses cost about the same as a 10 year old used car.
My ex thought if he had cheques left in his cheque book, there must be money in the account.
When he told me that the man is the “head of the household” and makes all the decisions. See ya.
When she told me the Earth was only 10,000 years old, humans interacted with dinosaurs and the story of Adam & Eve was 100% true.
I'm American. Dating this girl in college, told her I was going to spend a year abroad in England. She asked me if I spoke their language.
He was living with his parents at the time. We were in their home alone. I had just thrown something away and the garbage in the kitchen was full. I took it out and asked him where they kept the bags. He didn’t know. They had lived in that home for five whole years so far.
I found out she secretly spent a ton of money on seeing a bunch of online “psychics” because she was unsure of her / our future. I’m talking $800+. More idiotic than gambling away money imo.
She fell for a bank scam and gave a stranger her password twice in one week. "First tech will never ask for your password" is literally printed on the debit card.
I don't know if an idiot or just talked without ever listening once she was done.. who knows.
Dating for 8 months. Out for dinner with another couple. She let them know that I was born in a country I was not born in and then told them I worked in a profession I have never worked in.
Broke up with her outside of the restaurant.
She thought it was weird that I could laugh at a comedy film that was older than five years. Then to learn that she didn’t understand that people watched old movies and could enjoy and appreciate them.
He called his portable computing device a “lab top” and then doubled down when I tried to correct him.
They said: ‘i dont need directions, i have intuition’ then three hours later we were circling the same block.
She thought that the moon came up right after the sun went down
She thought that cotton farms were filled with sheep
She didn't know why the moon changed shape
She thought a quarter of $100 was $15
She thought the virgin Mary and Jesus were dating
She randomly asked how do they turn people into cream when a dead person gets cremated
There's more, that's just what I remember .
I took a girl I was dating to a minor league hockey game. During the first intermission, she asked how many quarters were in hockey. I explained that they were called periods, and there were three, and she couldn't seem to grasp the concept that if they were actually called quarters then by default there would be four of them.
When he was painting some words onto a t-shirt for Halloween, and doing it backwards, like mirror image. I asked why and he was like, "You know, cause then when you look in the mir- oh I'm an idiot." And for once we agreed.
He insisted on leaving my place in a giant snow storm and drove straight into the ditch as soon as he left my driveway, because he didn’t know where the road went. We spent the rest of the night waiting for roadside assistance.
Don’t you need to know where the road is before you start driving?
There have been so many. But the one that made me literally stand there with a 'you're joking right? You can't be that dumb' face was when he asked if his white socks went into the whites & colors hamper or the darks hamper. He proceeded to just stand there and stared back at me until I answered him.
We were discussing about the origin of a term, she said it was a racist term but I showed her, with proof, that the term was never associated with racism pre-2021 and was part of a marketing campaign to sell furniture.
Like, facts, google trend, data pulled from historians talking how the term didn't even exist at the time to even be a racist thing.
Her response? "Well thats your opinion, we don't need to believe in the same thing. I *like* to believe this and you have to respect it"
She just go throught life picking and choosing what to believe either its true or not. At least she is happy I guess.
I just asked a room full of people, best response…
“in high school I dated a guy who asked me if stars in the sky were really shaped like this…⭐️. I calmly told him no, they’re round like our sun, which is a star.”
Had a gf once that brought two electric heaters to my house after I lost power in a winter storm.
He got recruited for a "job" on WhatsApp where he would buy a number of product, leave a review, and then earn back what he paid for the product plus commission, paid to him in Bitcoin. The website was a very obvious scam, just by the URL alone. But he insisted it was all legit, even after I showed him several articles warning people against the scam. He dumped our savings into it, maxed out all his credit cards taking out cash he didn't have, veritably putting all his eggs into a basket that sends eggs to the void. And I was an unsupportive bootlicking girlfriend for suggesting he get a real job and not give anymore money to those a******s. My f*****g bad, I guess.
We went to the same high school, but did not fall in the same social circles at the time. Several years later we began dating. He sent me a text one day, saying “I saw “x” we “yust go to school with”. After several exchanges trying to figure out what “Yust” meant (used to) he followed with “wut am I sapost to know every word in English?”.
She bought a car. It was a nice car. It was used, it had issues. Shortly after buying it, talked with her about how she decided to buy it. The only reason..... she liked the color. $20k+ investment based on color.
She said she had a diverse musical taste. Then went on to say she even liked “Bob Marlin and the Wayans.” Glad I caught it early.
He ate pasta with meat sauce that had been sitting in his truck for 2 days. Bro thought he could just microwave the s**t out of it and that would k**l all the germs 🤦♀️.
My ex bought some soda from Amazon because she saved a dollar on the price vs buying it from the store.
Despite the fact it was another $30 to ship it.
When he broke the lid lock on the washing machine bc he thought I put his leather belt in there.
We were poor and didn’t have the money to fix it. So guess who had to go to the laundromat? 😒.
She started telling our Über driver who was talking on the phone to someone in his presumed native language about how beautiful Mexican is and how she wanted to learn Mexican.
My ex read through my phone all the time. Got a text that said “Hey Johnny, it’s me I’m in your area tonight, wanted to see if you wanted to meet up”. (My name is not johnny). My ex replied “who’s this b***h texting you asking to me up. Told her it was clearly a scam. She refused to believe me. Told her that if I responded to this person they would send nudes and then eventually ask for money. To show her it was a scam I texted this person back to show exactly how the scam operates and that except what I said was going to happen would occur. My ex started flipping out as if I was actually trying to meet up with her.
I had an ex girlfriend who believed the moon landing was faked. I thought she was joking when she first said it until I realized she was serious, we argued about it for days and the relationship didn’t last much longer.
I was sick and he was going to the store anyway, so I asked him to grab som emergen-c and such. He came home and said he wasn't able to find it. I asked him if he looked in the vitamin or medicine or first aid isle. He said no.
If he weren't so aloof in general and genuinely treated me very well, I mightve thought he was just being lazy, but I actually think it didn't occur to him.
He also dropped on me months in that he's lowkey a flat earther and "doesn't believe" in germ theory.
Wonderful person, probably not meant to be.
She asked where they kept all the fish on Noah's Ark. Was convinced they had an aquarium in the bilge or someone.
Drove 2 hours to six flags, I ask what do we ride first she says "oh I dont ride any rides...too scary".
Smaller more of a chuckle-in-disbelief moment.
We were at a brunch place. I asked for avocado with my order and when it arrives, he asked what it is. Apparently because he’s “never seen or tasted an avocado.”
I blink.
He blinks.
I ask him if he’s ever had guacamole and he goes, “Ohhh that’s what it’s made of!”
Born and raised in the USA by the way. Not that it matters, I would assume this was all common knowledge.
I told her I was going to visit the MET in New York. I knew she wasn't smart; I expected her to confuse it with the Mets baseball team. Instead she told me: "I like monster trucks.".
Went to a restaurant that had "steak burgers" and she had to ask the waiter if they served beef burgers.
When i found out that he basically let me poison him for at least 5 years every Valentines, birthday and anniversary. I love him to death, but this mf NEVER told me he was ALLERGIC to STRAWBERRIES. It's not a remotely serious allergy. it just makes his throat feel a little scratchy and uncomfortable, but BRO!!!
I didn't even find out until AGES after even! Just randomly came up in conversation! He's so lucky that i find him enduring or i might have used cherry pits in the next dessert instead 😂.
She casually mentioned that Candace Owens opened her mind to what as really going on in the world...
Do I have to pick just one?
We had only dated a month or so when I realized I had to back away slowly. I don't think he knew he was gay. The dude-bro workout energy and homophobic slurs in his house was off the charts.
(BTW, I'm queer & AFAB)
He and his roommates were so closeted but the energy was near boiling point. They would always joke about "pranking" one another by surprising the other by bursting into the bathroom or resting balls on the other's head while playing video games. I made several jabs about it that weren't well received. His roommate was in the reserve and a gun nut and super obsessed with working out. I was fit, the guy I was seeing not so much. His roommates made a couple very pointed comments about my "cut lines" and fitness.
When I was in the process of cutting things off, he kept talking about joining the army reserves so he could steal munitions. He had a whole plan that I immediately shut down, trying to be funny about it. Told him in no uncertain terms that he was an idiot for even thinking about it. He assured me that there were ways for him to sneak guns and ammunition and grenades away from the armory slowly without detection.
This was 2011.
He called me at work saying that he had something important to tell me. I called back and he told me that he had finally signed up for the army and proceeded to tell me alllll the reasons for doing so. I said, "Ok, well, I get it, good luck."
"I'm gonna have to be away for awhile."
"Yeah, yup, that's how it works."
"So, you're OK with this?"
"It's your life. I mean, I don't think it's a good idea but you gotta do what you gotta do."
He stammered for a minute over the phone and then kinda yelled, "Look, I'm just wondering if you're gonna miss me or not!"
He had no plans to join. (For one thing, there's no way he could have passed the fitness test or the ASVAB.) He was just trying to manipulate me.
Also, he was "uncomfortable" with me having a male roommate and I said "oh that's a you thing, tough s**t."
This was a less than 2 month summer thing and I stuck around out of curiosity because the whole "I'm gonna join the military and steal guns while being a closeted gay man who loves throwing the slurs around" was just too interesting a soap opera to abandon right away.
A skyscraper wasn’t completely straight and leaning a tiny bit because of the wind. He told the design was wrong and that the building was going to tip over.
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