Former Incels Share The Moments That Made Them Snap Out of It

So I had zero luck with the ladies and was pretty mad about it as a teenager. I never said it out loud, but I had wild thoughts like government-provided girlfriends (yeah, teenage me was something else). There was a mix of anger and other not-so-great feelings. What got me out? Joining an online gaming community that didn’t put up with my nonsense. They'd call me out when I slipped into incel talk, and after a while, I realized being bitter wasn’t helping. Now, even without a serious relationship, I’m happier focusing on my life and even went on some dates. To anyone stuck in that space: it’s way better to accept being single and find joy solo than be bitter about it.

I wasn’t the classic "blame the women" incel. I just never felt attraction toward women. There was this one chance I had with a girl, but I just couldn’t... get into it. Years later, at 28, it hit me—I was gay and had been in denial. Once I accepted that, I found happiness and an amazing partner.

I was the classic "nice guy" who got obsessed when girls didn’t like me back. Eventually, desperation won, and I gave dating a real shot when a girl showed interest. Turns out, relationships take work and understanding, and my old frustrations were mostly wasted energy. It took time, but now we’ve been together for 14 years.

My dad cheated on my mom and acted like it was no big deal. He followed guys like Andrew Tate and used religious loopholes to justify his actions. I used to listen to those voices too, but seeing my mom cry like that shook me to the core. That was my wake-up call to change.

Back in the day, I was a "nice guy" who thought being funny was enough. But I realized relationships aren’t magic—you gotta have your own stuff together first. Wanted someone employed? Got a job. Wanted someone fit? Hit the gym. I started working on myself, and suddenly, people came my way. Confidence and motivation are like magnets!

I spent a lot of time trying to please girls and didn’t get why anyone would reject me. Then I accepted: I’m ugly. So I said ‘whatever,’ focused on my hobbies, ignored the rest, and someone found me interesting enough to date. Strange but true.

I wasn’t an incel, but my cousin was deep in it. What changed him? Realizing women are people, not villains or mythic creatures. He stopped lurking online and started working at a grocery store where he made real female friends. Life upgrade right there.

I couldn’t express myself growing up, so my anger simmered and brewed into a deep self-hate. The internet became my vent. Then college happened. I met people better and worse off than me, and found some who showed real kindness. That blew up my old hatred and flipped the script. Now, I mostly just hate the government.

No dramatic lightning bolt moment here. I used to scroll angry forums full of blame and bitterness at women and ‘Chads.’ It felt good for a moment but no one was actually improving their lives. Then one day, a female classmate was kind to me, and I immediately thought she had an angle. That’s when I realized: I didn't hate women, I hated myself and just turned it outward.

My resentment came from hating myself. Losing weight through diet and exercise gave me the confidence and mental space to focus on things I enjoyed instead of being bitter over women not noticing me. Plus, I finally got that no one owes you affection. Being a 'nice guy' with expectations? That’s just not cool. Breaking free from toxic masculinity was the real game-changer.

I was ‘in love’ with a girl who was actually just a friend. I kept getting mad because she didn’t fit the perfect version I made up in my head—and I never told her what I wanted. One day I asked myself: if I love her, why do I also hate her? It hit me—I hated myself and was dealing with mental health stuff. Talking to friends, family, and a doctor helped me realize people do care. Now we’re still friends, and honestly, that’s great.

For years, I wondered why no one would date me. Then I flipped the question around—why would they? So I plugged energy into self-improvement: schooling, reading, passions, and my career. Eventually, I became someone worth pursuing. Then bam—I got snapped up!

Here’s the deal: you’re mad that a hot woman won’t pick you and you resent her for it. But think about it—you wouldn’t date someone you don’t find attractive either. So would you want them hating on you for rejecting them? Nope. That’s the answer. Spending time hating people who don’t fancy you is just silly. Focus on improving yourself instead.

The big issue is that some dudes can’t handle rejection. Being socially awkward is one thing, blaming all women as a group is where it goes downhill. I had my “nice guy” pity party too when I was younger—cringe! But growing up made me see women as just people with their own tastes, like I have mine. Plus, getting in shape and doing hobbies made me way more interesting and way less bitter—who knew?

Facebook once pegged me as an incel, and honestly, it was a bit scary how many boxes I ticked. It started with comics—mostly manga with religious themes and portraits of cheating or problematic women. Then came a flood of videos showing women acting badly, from tantrums to workplace drama. These weren’t random; it felt like someone was curating a nonstop stream of ‘all women are terrible’ content. The truth? Some women mess up. The lie? That all women are bad. I hit block hard and reshaped my feed, and now I get a way more balanced and positive feed.

Anger got me nowhere. So I stopped. Nothing changed overnight, but instead, I buried my head into hobbies like cosplay and tinkering. I also made sure to shower my best friends with loyalty and attention. The anger didn’t disappear, but I got a better handle on life.

At 13, feeling left out while older kids were dating, I stumbled on ‘nice guy’ forums and totally bought in. But then it clicked—all these dating gurus weren’t dating either. So I figured, why not just try? I asked out a girl and she said yes! That moment, I saw how limiting that mindset really was. Being stuck in self-pity and sharing it only keeps you trapped. It’s like waiting for something to happen without making a move. Helping friends escape that mindset showed me one thing: if you don’t love yourself, nobody else will.

I told people I was involuntarily celibate before ‘incel’ was even a thing. After a tough breakup and mental health struggles, I became a victim in my own story. But here’s the thing: we’re all victims of life’s chaos. None of us asked for this. Acceptance is where you start—accept who you are, the circumstances, the messiness. There’s beauty too, even if it’s hard to see. Fight back by loving yourself, your family, your friends, and everyone else because we’re all in this together. Being bitter won’t help; trying to be better just might.

Near the end of college, I was stressed, nobody was into me, and I wanted to blame everyone else. Then my younger brother stopped my rant with some hard truth: blaming others won't fix your problems. If you have 1000 bad experiences, you are the common denominator. He was right. Since then, I’ve worked nearly 20 years to build a decent life. Without that shift, I might’ve stayed stuck.

Nobody taught me to socialize or take care of myself as a kid, so I was the smelly, lonely kid with greasy hair and big feelings. I got bullied at school and home. Moving out changed everything. Not drowning in sorrow helped my mental health, so I started grooming for me. Talking was hard, but I figured hobbies make you more interesting, so I started those. Then I met people naturally, found community, and even dated. Tinder helped too. Learning how to listen and keep convo flowing made me decent at chatting, which people like. Eventually, socializing didn't drain me as much—I partly grew out of the old me before the word ‘incel’ even existed.

The song “My Poor Friend Me” by Bad Religion stuck with me—especially the part about picking the lock but not turning the key. I was lonely, hated my job, and social anxiety had me stuck. One day, I just got tired of feeling sorry for myself and ‘turned the key.’ I quit, found a new job with people my age, made friends, went to parties, dated, blew it, and learned. Lucky me—it happened before the internet became what it is. Definitely avoided getting radicalized online.

I wasn’t a full incel, but I definitely had that toxic vibe where if I raged, it was everyone’s fault but mine. Therapy changed the game—now I’m in charge of my emotions, and my relationships with others and myself are way healthier.

I wasn’t hostile to women but did hold a grudge that attractive guys got everything. Realizing self-pity didn’t help flipped my world upside down. Works like magic!

Weirdly, I realized I don’t need a woman to feel complete. I work out, enjoy my hobbies mostly solo, and go to work. I don’t hate women, just don’t understand them. Once I started making myself happy and healthier, a lot of stress disappeared. I’m older now, not interested in kids, and happier this way.

I was on the path until my dad stepped in and set me straight. Nowadays, with most parents absent and social media feeding self-destructive loops, I feel for young men. My advice? If you’re adult and got your stuff together, volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters. A few hours a month can change a kid's life—and maybe even the next generation.

I dated a guy deep in that mindset before I even realized it. He believed if he was ‘nice enough,’ attraction should come automatically. When it didn’t, he spiraled into ‘women only want jerks’ territory. What changed him—and eventually broke us up—was therapy. He unpacked how much of his identity was built on comparison and resentment. Once he saw women as actual people, not scores on a scoreboard, he softened and became healthier. That was the real win.

I was an incel for about five minutes. I heard of the group and relate to feeling unchosen despite being a good boyfriend or husband candidate. I went into one of their forums and saw all the misogyny and hatred. That wasn’t me. My issues? Purely personal, not women’s fault.

I still believe the ‘war between the genders’ is a planned psyop by shadowy elites who want us divided and controlled. They invent fake issues and use media to make us hate each other instead of fighting the real power holders. Red pill, feminist, TikTok influencers? Paid actors spreading false stories. Hostile algorithms feed rage all day. That’s why I quit following these influencers. I’m all about thinking freely and making my own judgments now.

Doesn't really count as incel stuff, but as a teen 20 years ago, I was on 4chan daily out of boredom. One day it clicked—these people were serious actual racists, not just edgy jokers. Sometimes I wonder how some of my edgy classmates turned out after high school.