37 Comebacks That Totally Shut People Down (And Made Us Laugh)

You're the only one without tattoos, and folks keep asking why. Instead of a boring answer, try these funny comebacks that won't scare off customers or make things awkward:

MAValphaWasTaken:
"What, and make it easier for cops to find me? Nope!"

IllPen8707:
"Oh, I do... You just can’t see them."

Lazer723:
"I stopped drawing on myself when I was five."

Your brother-in-law hates women but somehow has three daughters? That's a plot twist. When he whines about female characters in games, here are some comebacks that’ll make him squirm:

Dry-Discount-9426:
"If you avoid all women so much, are you sure you’re straight?"

Major_Bahoobage:
"Just say you like men already, bro. We’ll throw you a closet exit party."

Relatives keep telling you you look 12? Instead of awkward silence, try these witty zingers:

underwater-sunlight:
"Stop checking out 12-year-olds."

EpiZirco:
"I’m twelve out of ten, thanks!"

anonymous:
"Thanks, I bathe in my victims' blood."

People asking why you’re not tied down? Avoid the pity party and try these clever comebacks:

xPadawanRyan:
"My bloodline ends with me."

qlionp:
"The family curse stops here."

brideofgibbs:
"Just lucky, I guess."

Got a deep voice and people say you sound like a man? Try these fun replies:

RainbowPiggyPop:
"Better to sound smart than like an idiot."

flower_catt:
"That's just because you’ve never talked to a real woman before."

iPhone people acting like they’re better? Hit them back with these:

anonymous:
"I'm just trying out the features you'll get in three years."

TowelFine6933:
"I’d rather not pay a grand for something that won’t last a year."

People asking if you took your meds like it’s a secret police? Fire back with:

mayeam912:
"Well, I might have taken somebody else’s."

BuffaloChedarBiscuit:
"My meds are not for sale, FYI."

anonymous:
"My meds help with OCD, not with dealing with idiots."

Dealing with people who think you’re faking an invisible disability? Try these comebacks:

MrPuzzleMan:
"My pain doesn't care if you believe me, but thanks for caring about your own ignorance."

No-Gene-4508:
"You can’t see stupid, but you sure got plenty."

wuzziever:
"You don’t LOOK disabled? Great, because I’m in a relationship."

Heard the classic "there’s no ‘I’ in team?" Reply with:

Geno_Warlord:
"There’s an M and an E doing half your work, lazybones."

People bugging you about not drinking? Bounce back with:

BogusIsMyName:
"Oh no, not waking up next to your mom again."

FormerlyImportant:
"Not since ‘the incident.’"

NatoliiSB:
"I can’t afford bail money."

Folks teasing you about your long hair? Here’s how to clap back:

Silent_Cash_E:
"Please stop trying to hit on me."

anonymous:
To guys: "Still won’t date you." To women: "And I’m way hotter."

People bugging you about being quiet? Try these:

New-Economist4301:
"If it's an insult, then why aren’t you more interesting?"

metal_bastard:
"I’m just a better listener. Plus, why talk if I have nothing to say?"

anonymous:
"You talk enough for the both of us."

Getting sass about your pink clothes? Wink and say:

JustSomeDudeFrom92:
"Because I can."

SupportPrimary540:
"Because I’m a secure man."

WhataKrok:
"Didn't know there was a dress code."

People poking about your single status? Switch it up with:

010061:
"It wouldn’t be fair to my future wife."

tardiscoder:
"Your mom and I are doing just fine."

Jumpy-Style6348:
"They’re way too expensive."

BrilliantRain5670:
"Makes you wonder, huh?"

jcoddinc:
"They don’t pay me by the word."

Got asked this ugly question on a date? Serve up these zingers:

Ok-Shopping9879:
"Why do you care? You’re not even invited to sit at it."

Send_me_duck-pics:
"The talent to tolerate you."

Someone asked if you’re gay after you didn’t flirt with a girl? This comeback shuts it down:
Emera1dthumb:
"If it gets you to stop talking to me, yeah!"

BentGadget:
"Are you gay, or something?"
"For you, I will be."

People asking why you still mask up? Try these replies:

Anonymous:
"It hides the ugly, works every time."

Garrisp1984:
Bane voice: "No one cared who I was until I put on the mask."

anonymous:
"It helps me mind my business. Want one?" (And yes, that shuts them up.)

Sick of hearing "You’re not a mother, you don’t know"? Try these power comebacks:

Double-Kicks:
"You’ve never mothered me, so what do you know?"

clarkyk85:
"At least I’m not a terrible mother."

When someone asks, "You're an adult, why play video games?" hit back with:

ersey8894:
"Then you must be too old for TV and movies."

anonymous:
"I’m a big kid who eats ice cream whenever I want!"

Someone says you’ve got too many kids? Come back with:

JDSlim:
"If you love something and you’re good at it, don’t quit!"

Expatriated_American:
"Your mom had too many kids!"

mountrich:
"They just keep showing up, no idea why!"

They ask if you’re working hard or hardly working? Toss back:

anonymous:
"I’m hardly laughing."

anonymous:
"Acting my wage."

When someone rudely asks if you have hearing problems, try:

YonderIPonder:
"I heard you, I just don’t respond to jerks."

jay_is_bored:
"I can hear your jerk vibe loud and clear."

Middle school and sick of ‘skinny’ comments? Try:

Charming-Window3473:
Silent stare and eyebrow raise - works wonders.

anzfelty:
"Want me to comment on your looks now? Where should I start?" (Delivered dead serious with solid eye contact.)

Rocking a flip phone in 2024? Friends clowned you? Clap back with:

AdequatePercentage:
"You only have one phone?"

Away-Client1654:
"Yeah, and here’s another flip I have." (Show middle finger with confidence!)

Annoying peeps say you’re not funny? Try:

rdixon0310:
"Who are you again?"

okguy25:
"Don’t worry, not everyone gets me."

anonymous:
"Only the smart ones find me funny."

Not hitting on anyone, but get told “I have a boyfriend”? Try:

Miserable-Alarm-5963:
"He must have patience of a saint."

AbrasiveOrange:
"So do I."

Falstaffe:
"Cool, could he ask you to move?"

Called slow? Respond with:

anonymous:
"Your mom’s so slow, it took her nine months to come up with that joke."

TheVoicesOfBrian:
"Your sister didn’t mind me taking my time last night."

Your girlfriend is awesome no matter what anyone says. If someone tries to shade her weight, try:

anonymous:
"That was rude." (Pause, stare, then walk away.)

Gucci_Caligula:
"She’s perfect and fun to be around. Can you say the same?"

_Robot_toast_:
"She’s worth her weight in gold."

They tease you for yawning at work? Give these a shot:

SIIHP:
"Quit boring me, I won’t yawn so much."

Dumbaahedratr0n:
"It’s bedtime somewhere!"

Someone won’t quit telling you to smile? Try:

anonymous:
"What? Come again?" (Keep asking until they leave.)

sugarshizzl:
"Say something funny."

Sad-Maintenance3422:
"Hard to smile with a face like that."

KGreen100:
"I’ll smile as soon as you leave."

Someone won’t leave without your number? Give them a fake one:

madbr3991:
Try the White House switchboard: 202-456-1414.

Le-Pretre:
"My number’s in the phone book."
"What’s your last name?"
"Also in the phone book..."

bigchrishoutx:
"Call 811 to help you dig a hole to crawl back into."

They ask the classic ‘does the carpet match the drapes?’ Hit ‘em with:

anonymous:
"No carpet here, just hardwood." (Works every time.)

Quwinsoft:
Or go nuts describing the room's interior design. Confusion wins.

anonymous:
"Come and find out." Always fuels the fire.

Dumbsneighbors:
"Plastic surgery can fix ugly, but not your soul."

rjrttu86:
"I can lose weight; your kind of ugly lasts forever."

Got tired of the ‘you sound/look/act white’ line? Here are replies that flip the script:

biinboise:
"Sorry man, I’m off the clock. Magic’s over."

GutsAndBlackStufff:
"That’s mighty white of you."

Rejecting a girl nicely, but she asks ‘Are you gay?’ Here’s how to kill the vibe without being mean:

SakuraMochis:
"No, I’m just not interested in YOU." (Deadpan wins.)

psychosloth34:
"No, but you make me reconsider."

METRlOS:
"If you were the only option, I might."

So, there was this girl Betty, who loved to make fun of me. One day she showed off her old-school granny panties when bragging about avoiding panty lines.
I just looked her dead in the eye and said, "Well, at least I don’t wear granny panties." Guess who shut up and quit the teasing?

Ok_Plant9930:
"You’d have panty lines if you weren’t wearing a car cover for underwear."

anonymous:
"You really should take your grandma out before putting those on."