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Scientists sliced a guy’s brain in half (yikes) and told him to count to 10.
Left half gone? He counts 2, 4, 6, 8, 10.
Right half gone? He counts 1, 3, 5, 7, 9.
Whole brain gone? He starts bragging: "I count to 10 better than anyone, believe me!" Classic!
Call me a racist, but south of the border feels like a wild mess I wouldn’t touch with a giant pole.
Thank goodness I’m chilling in Canada. Eh?
Waiting for election results is basically waiting for your group project grade.
You know you did your part right, but the rest? Totally a mystery.
Four beer CEOs walk into a bar.
Budweiser CEO orders Bud Light.
Miller CEO orders Miller Light.
Coors CEO orders Coors Light.
Then Guinness CEO orders a Coke.
The others ask why, and he’s like, "If you guys aren’t drinking, neither am I!" Friendship goals, kinda.
Dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for showing up because it rewards losing.
So I took down his confederate flag. Boom.
My granddad used to say, “When one door closes, another opens.”
Great guy. Terrible cabinet maker. No wonder all the doors were broken.
Time traveler hits ancient Rome and wants a toga.
“What size?” asks the tailor.
“L?”
Tries it, shrugs, “Tight. Got an XL?”
Tailor: “Why’d you ask for smaller if you want bigger?" Classic mixup.
Old lady can’t stop farting silently with no smell.
Doc gives her pills.
Next week, silent but now stink!
Doc: “Great! We cleared your sinuses. Now, let’s fix your hearing!”
My 7-year-old nephew proudly made a "telephone" with cans and string.
I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s cute, but check out what kids his age build in China!”
COVID-19 is no joke.
One patient was so brain-damaged, they think they won an election they lost by 7 million votes. Oof.
ATTORNEY asks doctor if he checked for pulse: No.
Blood pressure? No.
Breathing? No.
Was patient alive during autopsy?
Doctor: No. His brain was sitting on my desk.
But could he still be alive? Doctor: Sure, and practicing law!
I’m American and sick of folks calling us stupid.
Honestly? Europe’s the dumbest country. Just saying.
Family meeting about crazy phone bill.
Dad, Mom, Son: “I don’t use the home phone, only work phones.”
All glare at maid.
Maid: “Well, so do I. What’s the big deal?”
Scientist: “My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.”
Media: “Scientist says ‘Findings are meaningless’.”
Guy pulls into gas station with 5 penguins.
Attendant: “Why the penguins?”
Guy: “They jumped in!”
Attendant: “Take them to the zoo.”
Week later, same guy with sunglasses-wearing penguins.
Attendant: “Why?”
Guy: “Had fun, now beach time!”
Wife gave me envelope labeled “Do not open until 2027.”
Inside? A list of why I can’t be trusted with instructions. Oops.
Jewish friend shares a Holocaust joke:
Survivor tells joke to God in Heaven.
God: “Not funny.”
Friend: “Guess you had to be there.”
Taught kids democracy by voting on movie and pizza.
Then I picked the movie and pizza because I pay the bills. Democracy 101!
Guy with pockets stuffed full of golf balls sits by blonde.
She’s puzzled, he says: “Golf balls.”
She thinks then asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?” Blew his mind.
Scotsman and wife pass fancy new restaurant.
She: “Mmm, smells delicious.”
He: “I’ll treat you.”
Then they just keep walking. Romantic, right?
Sheepdog: “Got your 70 sheep in the pen.”
Farmer: “I only have 67!”
Sheepdog: “Yep, I rounded them up.”
Waiter accidentally gave food to the wrong white guy.
Wait - never mind, that wasn’t my waiter after all.
Woman asks army general when he last made love.
He says “1956.”
Surprised, she invites him over.
After, she says, “Wow, you still got it!”
General: “Hope so, it’s only 9:30 PM.”
Take first two letters of each Harry Potter book.
Guess what? It spells HAHAHAHAHAHA.
JK, it’s just funny nonsense.
Kid gaming.
Mom: “Meet my new boyfriend!”
Kid: “Tell him to come in. Game’s on.”
Boyfriend: “Hey Champ!”
Kid ignores.
Boyfriend: “BlueDragon72?”
Kid: “Long time no use! Wait... you’re gonna bang my mom!”
In bed 20 minutes, hear pizza guy cough.
Then remember I only came to the room for my wallet.
Oops, classic old age.
Back in the day # meant pound, not hashtag.
Imagine if #MeToo was “Pound Me Too.” Wrong message!
Before surgery, doc asked if I wanted gas or a canoe paddle to knock me out.
Guess it was an ether/oar situation.
Professor X asks a girl her mutant power.
She guesses ceiling fan switches with 3 pulls.
He tries, fan turns off.
She says, “Just kidding, I can heal paraplegics.”
X stands: “OMG!”
My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I grounded him.
Now he’s conducting himself better. Pun intended.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach him to fish, and he’ll buy gear he uses twice a year.
Told my gf I have a crush on Beyoncé.
She: “Whatever floats your boat.”
Me: “No, that’s Buoyancy.”
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