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Wait, People Actually Lie THIS Much to Their Doctors? (62 Hilarious Examples)
Hey! Let’s jump right into some of the funniest and most ridiculous things people say to their doctors. Spoiler alert: honesty isn’t always the best policy... at least in the waiting room!
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From a patient’s side, apparently I lie about just how bad my pain really is. Somehow, I can’t convince doctors how much I’m hurting.
A coworker recalls a patient who had a giant MAG light lodged in his rear end. When the surgeon pulled it out and turned it on, he joked, “This would make an epic MAG commercial!” Healthcare never gets boring.
My husband swore he didn’t smoke. But he got a free ride with friends who chain-smoked an hour each way! He smelled like a chimney but told docs, “I don’t smoke, but spend two hours a day with chain smokers, so it might seem like I do.” Sneaky, right?
Turns out, lying to your doctor is basically a national pastime. Studies back in the 90s said about 85% of patients weren’t totally honest with their docs - and little has changed since. People, especially younger ones, tend to hide stuff like smoking or drinking. The awkward truth? Being straight-up with your doc actually helps them help you.
I work in sleep medicine. Please stop fibbing about your bedtime routines. Yes, we know you’re scrolling your phone at midnight and downing coffee at 4pm. Also, if you have a CPAP, don’t lie about how often you actually use it. We can *literally* see the data.
ICU doc here. The amount of alcohol patients say they drink? Ha, nope. I don’t mind the fibs usually, but I *do* need to know if you’re at risk for alcohol withdrawal once admitted, so spill the beans then!
Doctors really do need the truth to give you the right treatment. When people fib, it messes with diagnosis and can even lead to wrong meds. So yeah, lying might seem easier, but it usually just makes everything worse.
Not a doctor, but in Public Health. It’s wild how many anti-vaxxers ‘just happen’ to know people who got rare side effects from vaccines. Like, yeah, Kevin, sure you know 20 neighbors who got blood clots from the flu shot. Sure.
My wife, a retired pediatrician, noticed overweight kids’ parents always lied about diets. Then she'd ask the kids, who usually said, “We had McDonald’s for dinner.” Oops!
As a hematologist, meds are a big deal. Patients often lie about how well they stick to taking their meds - but I can usually tell from tests and pharmacy records. Honesty means we can help fix problems rather than playing detective.
Exercise habits are a classic fib. Older folks often exaggerate how fit they are, while younger folks hide their partying habits. Fear of judgment or discrimination usually drives these little white lies.
Patients fib about social history, meds, surgeries - you name it. But funny enough, they never fail to mention 'allergies' (even when those aren’t real allergies). Classic!
My spouse preps patients for heart procedures and asks if they use illegal drugs. At first, patients lie, but when they're told it’s a medical need (not moral judgment), they usually spill.
I pulled a muscle in my hip area doing, uh, adult stuff with my husband. I lied and said I hurt myself lifting a TV. The doc didn’t buy it but acted like he did. Now? I’d be honest. No shame.
Not telling the truth can backfire hard - leading to wrong meds or treatments. Doctors stress being upfront, and if you’re shy, hey, bring a buddy to your appointment for backup!
My hubby’s dog and him ‘boxed’ (aka play fought), and the dog scratched his lip open. Everyone assumed a dog bite, but nobody wanted to admit it. Pet owners do NOT want official dog bite records!
Medical rep here! Guys don’t want to admit erectile dysfunction. Docs need to know because it could mean bigger things like circulation issues or hormone problems.
"Do you have high blood pressure?" "Nope!" ...Then I find out they are on three different meds for it. Some say, “But that’s why it’s not high!” Touché.
Docs have sneaky ways to spot lies: awkward pauses, avoiding eye contact, fidgeting. So if your doctor seems like they’ve got superpowers, maybe they do!
Sadly, domestic abuse victims often deny it. Providers usually don’t report it to avoid scaring patients away from seeking help later, but the notes? Yeah, we see the hints.
Depression questions often get a 'no' answer because people worry about being hospitalized. But docs can usually tell the signs anyway.
Doc: Did you punch someone? Because those knuckle scrapes don’t look like a closet accident. Patient: Okay, fine, I hit a guy but I swear I was minding my own business!
Turns out, doctors are working on being nicer to make patients spill the beans. Less judgment, more high-fives (okay, maybe not literally, but you get the idea).
RN here - plenty of patients skip wearing braces or doing exercises for sprains but lie when I ask if they followed the plan. They also sometimes skip going to specialists we refer to, but say they went. Hint: I can check!
Told my hand doc I broke my pinky horsing around with my dog. Doc said usually people break it punching stuff like idiots. I stuck with the dog story - much cooler!
Sometimes, doctors tell small white lies too. They might soften bad news to keep folks calm or avoid freaking out families. Doctor secrets, huh?
If you weigh 350 lbs, you probably aren’t eating just one salad a day…unless you’re photosynthesizing somehow.
Came to the eye doc with eye inflammation. He asked if I’d fallen asleep wearing contacts. I said no, even told him I don’t own any. He finally believed me and looked for other causes.
My neurologist said people fake fainting during tests all the time. One patient even faked a seizure in the waiting room earlier that day!
People lie roughly four times a day - so lying to your doctor is just par for the course. But next time, maybe just tell them the truth. It’s way less stressful than a surprise hospital visit!
Ever lied to your doc? Spill the tea in the comments!
Patient here: I drink 2 drinks a year tops. Asked how often I drink weekly, I said none because a half teaspoon here and there doesn’t count, right?
Doc: How’d you get that shoulder bruise? Me: Bike crash. Doc: You sure? Me: Uh, my girlfriend bit me. Yep, that’s the one.
People love to conveniently omit any history involving breast implants. It’s a classic omission.
My diabetic patient swore she was staying away from sugar but had a liter of Pepsi right next to her. Oops.
Eye doc here: We can tell when diabetic patients fudge their sugar control - not just by tests but by watching bleeding inside the eye. They always admit it when caught.
In radiology, it’s what’s in your butt that everyone lies about. And no, ‘‘I slipped and fell’’ is rarely the story.
During COVID telemedicine, I had a patient say he quit drinking, all while sitting in a room filled with empty beer bottles. When I pointed this out, he blamed ‘it was just a birthday binge’ - his birthday was 10 months ago.
Not a doc, but a medical interpreter here. About 85% of patients claim they don’t drink at all. Yeah, sure you don’t.
Paramedic here. Folks who get arrested suddenly ‘become very unwell’ and demand medical care to get out of trouble - we call this 'Incarceritis'. Fake seizures, aka 'fakey-shakeys', are also popular but usually awful performances.
Teen boys say they’re not scared of blood tests. Sure, dude, you’re just pale and sweaty for no reason.
People lie about eating disorders to avoid help and to keep their rituals. These illnesses have a terrifying grip on minds. Millions struggle without treatment because of this denial.
Transplant hepatologist here. People deny alcohol use even when lab tests scream otherwise. Lying stops treatment progress - honesty is the real MVP.
Sleep study time! I sat still with eyes shut for 3 hours. Over the speaker: "Can’t sleep?" Nope, I literally could not.
Receptionist here: So many people lie about smoking before cosmetic surgery. They quit for days to pass tests, then keep smoking and come back for wound issues.
Dentist here. People lie about brushing and flossing habits. They also fudge how much they smoke or vape. We know.
“Doctor, I don’t know why I’m not losing weight, I literally haven’t eaten anything but salads for years.” Right… sure you haven’t.
Patient said, “I’m not taking anything else,” but was actually taking ibuprofen daily without thinking it worth mentioning. Over-the-counter meds can be tricky!
I told my doc how much I drank, and he just casually added 25% to the number. When I questioned it, he shrugged and said he already thought I was fibbing.
My friend is a bowel surgeon. Patients always lie about cleaning themselves out the day before. He just expects a mess.
Once a phlebotomist, I could tell fake pee during drug screenings. I’d ask nicely for honesty, but nope - everyone insisted it was real.
People often wildly overstate weight changes. I have the data right here, and honestly, it’s usually just 2-5 pounds, not 20 or 30.
Patients claim to have shaved their nether regions before urology procedures - but nope, mostly still furry down there. Then the prepping staff brings out the razor.
As an anesthesiologist, I can tell how much someone vapes from how much they cough and how their heart responds during a procedure. Vaping fibs don’t fool us.
Medic here. People with cyclical vomiting syndrome (pot-induced) swear they haven’t smoked weed, but the smell and hot shower ritual give it away every time.
My dad’s a child psychiatrist. Parents often lie about arguments or relationship issues and sometimes even coach kids to lie, which is painfully obvious.
My sister, an ER consultant, says people fake seizures all the time but forget to wet themselves or get out of character. Real seizures aren’t TV drama - these fakes are pretty embarrassing.
“You didn’t fall on that. You shoved it up there impulsively and had no way out.” Honest truth gets awkward!
Dentists know you’re fibbing on flossing frequency and smoking. Tobacco stains give it all away, no matter what you claim.
Doc here: We know almost everything you say is a fib. We don’t argue because the day would be chaos. But lying only hurts you, seriously. Honesty is the best policy, even if we don’t always react like it.
Had a patient with lab markers showing meds side effects. Denied taking meds for 15 minutes, then finally confessed they hadn’t started them at all. Lying about meds is a classic.
Therapist here. You can say you've done the exercises all you want, but after years, I can tell who really did and who didn't. No shame in admitting you didn’t - it helps us help you.
Domestic violence victims often claim they ‘fell off the bed’ when adults - but that doesn't cause eardrum rupture. Docs know the real stories.
Don’t lie about using Q-Tips! Docs can see the cotton stuck in your ear canal. Own it, or expect to get snitched on!
Patients often fib about actually taking their meds as prescribed. Docs can usually catch on.
Ask anyone how many hotdogs they eat daily, and the answer’s probably a lie. We know who’s really hitting the snack table.
Patients love to insist they have a high pain tolerance, but the bruises and tears say otherwise.
My wife’s a rehab doctor and always doubles reported drinking amounts. It’s a pretty safe bet she’s right.
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