71 Comebacks So Genius You’ll Totally Stash Them For Later

CJ from GTA: SA nails it when he yells this at someone he crashes into: Are you a professional moron? Or just a gifted amateur?

Sometimes you don't have to be mean; just say what you really think: I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

This one sounds like a compliment but is just sneaky: You are impossible to underestimate.

Brutal and perfect: You're a complete tool but not half as useful.

When you want to say 'meh' with style: I expected nothing and I'm still disappointed.

A savage twist on dating woes: Why are you playing so hard to get when you're already hard to want.

Ouch! I bet your parents try to change the subject when their friends ask how you’re doing.

You're literally: Just a collection of personality flaws masquerading as a person.

At my old job, we called a dude, 'If he was any dumber, we'd have to water him.' Priceless.

This one’s weirdly funny: You look like you know the brand of windows by taste.

In 8th grade, I told a teacher: “If I was half the man you were, I’d be a quarter of the man I am.” It starts like a compliment but ends as an insult. Classic!

This burn hits in a weird way: You look like you spend more time on regret management than goal achievement.

You are literally the human version of a participation award. Oof.

Christopher Hitchens on Jerry Falwell: “If you gave him an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox.” Tight and hilarious.

Describing people with savage style: Ann Widdecombe has a face like a haunted cave. Bill O'Reilly looks like a tortoise who loves his own farts. And himself? A rucksack full of dented bells. Yup.

You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair. Sweet, soft, and totally nonexistent.

Sometimes one word says it all... Twatwaffle.

This one’s cheeky and wild: If you were any more inbred you'd be a sandwich.

In a bar fight, stealing from The Office: "Calm down, booster seat. No one's talking to you." Instant win.

You're as bright as a black hole and twice as dense. Cosmic burn!

Harsh but funny: It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.

This zinger always slays: "What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard... I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." Epic.

A drunk guy once shouted this in a pub and it was pure gold: YOU ARE WALT DISNEY'S WORST CREATION.

Two big burly guys messing about and throwing shade: “Please don’t mind my lesbian sister.” So random, so good.

Classic from Full Metal Jacket: “Did your parents have any children that lived?” Followed by, “You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.” Yup.

Say this with a bad French accent for extra insult: Tiny-brained wiper of other people’s bottoms. Monty Python level savage.

A Scottish teacher nailed it: "Broon ya utter plank, dinnae scratch yur heid, you'll get a splinter." Priceless insult right there.

Sometimes the best insult is just a question, right? What’s your view on intelligence? Hint: it’s low.

Plain and simple burn: I envy people who haven't met you.

Dorothy Parker’s quick wit: "How could they tell?" when she heard Calvin Coolidge died. Sharp and hilarious.

Sweet and savage: You remind me of Rapunzel. Only where she let down her hair, you let down everyone.

A shoutout to Monty Python style ridiculousness: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Even Bob Ross would say it: You're a mistake.

The perfect way to say you’re over it: “I have neither the patience, nor the crayons, to explain this to you.”

This one’s a gem: If you were in a loser competition, you would come in 2nd. Ouch.

That moment when someone thinks they're better than they are: He suffers from delusions of adequacy.

Seven and a half million years of evolution and your poor mother still somehow gave birth to a baboon.

Classic zinger: I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I can see that you are unarmed!

Try using your head for more than a hat rack. Oh, so your family tree is actually a wreath.

Insult and fast food combined: You six piece chicken McNobody.

Light travels faster than sound, that's why you appear bright until you speak.

Two classic insults from James May, pick your favorite: Infantile Pillock or Halfwit.

The perfect mic drop: "You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!"

A classic: You’re the reason there are instructions on shampoo bottles.

Straight and savage: You inspire birth control.

I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception just for you.

Straight from Peter Pan: "You rude crude lewd bag of pre-chewed food dude." Savage AF.

From Casablanca: "You despise me don’t you?" "Well if I gave you any thought I probably would." Timing is everything.

Basically an insult in two words: Sharp as a marble.

You look like the kind of person who would put ketchup on sushi. Gross and hilarious.

Firefly’s way of saying you’re not so bright: "I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling."

When you want space: I have much better things to do, like breathe way over there, away from you.

Oof: Everyone who has ever loved you was wrong.

A holiday classic insult: Cotton-headed ninny muggins.

Saw this German insult and still laughing: "One who waves back at Teletubbies." What a mental image!

You remind me of high school. Great to remember, horrible to experience.

Straight from Toy Story: You're a sad, strange little man and you have my pity. Farewell.

An Irish dad’s savage take: You absolute misfortune. Somehow it sticks.

In Overwatch, when someone accused a teammate of cheating, the perfect comeback was: "Reported for smooth brain." Instant giggle fest.

You’re at the top of the bell curve. But sadly, it's the wrong one.

You’re like the first bread slice in the loaf. Everybody touches you but no one wants you.

A simple but weird jab: Do you get your haircut by a professional?

A weird image but good burn: I bet you use both sides of the toilet paper.

Some petty hopes for you: I hope you’re always short one battery. I hope someone mourns you when you pass. I hope one shoe always has a tiny pebble you can’t find.

Because why not: I bet you have a favorite flavor of paint chip.

Just say it: Boilbrained Flapdragon.

Classic high school burn: Is that your face or did your neck throw up?

Short and sweet: You desk.

Harsh but hilarious: You should carry a plant around to replace the oxygen you waste.

I’ve had CVS receipts taller than you. That’s all.

One of my all-time favs: She’s as useless as Anne Frank’s drum set.