Let’s Laugh (or Cry) at These 75 Hilariously Awful First Dates

He drove me to dinner and asked, "Why should I give you a chance to be my girl?" At the next stoplight, I just got out.

We went to his cousin's restaurant, and the waitress asked how his wife and new baby were doing. Spoiler: There was no wife or baby.

I mentioned I like books, and he literally laughed at me. Cool.

I picked her up, let her pick a song on my phone, next thing I know she's reading my texts. I took her home right after. Seven minutes max!

She was rude to the waiter and ordered food for me without asking. Nope, nope, nope.

I said 'deliberately' and she told me I was using words that were too big. Okay then.

He barely spoke, just nodded or mumbled 'mhm.' When I said, 'If you don't talk, why are we here?' He went to the bathroom and came back with red eyes saying I made him cry.

I asked him what he did for work and he snapped, 'This isn’t an interview.' Smooth.

He said he wanted a serious thing with me... then his wife called saying she was in labor. Surprise!

He called his mom to figure out the tip. Table for 1, please.

First and last blind date. He said, 'Glad this worked out while my wife is in Greece.' I had no idea. (But the coworker who set it up did).

I said I like to read. He said he’s too spontaneous for books. Say what?

Not even a real date, but he told me his favorite movie was Fifty Shades of Grey. No thanks.

He said, 'Let's split the bill so I know if you like me or just want a free meal.' I paid it all, quietly called an Uber, and left him there. Mic drop.

He told me I need to switch to day shift because I'd be the one raising our future kids. 1) I don't want kids 2) First date and 3) When I said that, he asked why I was afraid to let him love me. Chill, dude.

I told him I can't eat dairy. He asked if the baby I'd have would inherit that, and then how I'd feed the baby. On the first date. Wow.

Asked if he liked his food and he said it’s not as tasty as I’m going to be. Smooth talker or just weird?

He recorded our whole date with his glasses. Privacy? Never heard of it.

I was talking a lot because I was nervous, and he blurted, 'Do you ever shut up?'

He said it was cute I know many words but don't have to use them all. Little did he know, I have a doctorate in linguistics.

He tried to have semolina flour shipped to my house so he'd have a reason to cook for me. I asked why not ship to his place and bring it over? He was seriously upset.

Twenty minutes in, he asks with a gross tone, 'Why do you smile so much?' Because life’s good, dude!

He picked me up in his Tesla, turned on autopilot, and spent the drive chatting with his hand under his chin turned 90 degrees. Classy.

He just took a chicken tender off my plate without asking. I was so mad I didn’t eat the rest and never spoke again. Who does that?

He told me I was lying about where I grew up, saying no such place existed. Then I said, 'Montana,' and he just stared.

Thirty minutes in, he says he doesn’t believe birds are real. Yep.

He kept referring to himself in the third person like he was a TV character. Weird flex.

He took off his socks at dinner and left them on the table. Classy.

He said it was "cute" that I run my own business. What?

He said, ‘My best friend is my mom.’ No thanks.

I said I liked to crochet. He called it super lame. He had no hobbies himself.

He told me he doesn’t really feel empathy. Awkward.

He said, ‘Aren’t you too old to start a new career?’ I was 30.

I waited in a bookstore and bought a book. He said that was weird. Fine by me.

I said no kisses on first date; he said, ‘I’ll be the exception,’ leaned in, and I sidestepped left. Nope.

I said I’m setting boundaries, and he said he doesn’t like boundaries. Red flag alert.

After I said anything about myself, he’d respond, ‘Do you think you’re better than me?’ What?

About 15 minutes into a coffee date he said, ‘I can't decide if you're pretty or not.’ Wow.

Stopped talking to me the week before date, then texted hours after the missed date, ‘You stood me up.’ LOL nope.

Told him I like to read on the beach, and then he said I was boring. Thanks.

We never even met. He sent links about hoping I don’t break his heart and how hard it is to love him. Dramatic much?

He spent 15 minutes talking about his stools, rating them on a chart. No, thanks.

He got mad I didn’t know the beef between Drake and Kendrick. Calm down, bro.

I asked about hobbies. He said, ‘I hate small talk, let’s talk aliens or the meaning of life.’ Dude, I just wanted to find a hobby match.

He made me pay for half the meal only after I said I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. Smooth.

We hugged after the date, and he seriously said, ‘I know you couldn't sleep if you didn't get a hug from me.’ Creepy.

He was drunk, got down on one knee 10 minutes in, and proposed. The whole bar stared. I wanted to hide.

He proudly told me he never eats vegetables. Like ever.

His profile said 5’9 but he was exactly my height — eye to eye. I’m 5 feet. Plot twist!

I spoke some Russian when he asked. He said, ‘Do you always show off on first dates?’ Like, no.

He showed up with his ex, still friends. I ‘went to get something from my car’ and never came back. Smart move.

After watching me get out of my Tahoe, he ranted about hating big trucks, then asked if he could drive mine. I said no, and he got mad.

He said, ‘I really like you, you remind me of my mom.’ Uhhh.

He complained about money, I ordered just fries, he ordered a bunch, and then told me I had to pay him back for the fries. What?

He asked me out for dinner, and four days later asked for half the money. Bye.

I asked if he was gonna ask about my job. He said, ‘It wouldn’t matter.’ Sad.

He cleaned his nails with a fork while we were eating dinner. Gross.

Yep, ants. The WHOLE date.

During the date he told me he was married, in an open relationship, and has a child. Thanks, but no.

Ten minutes in, he asks if I’m on the pill. I walked out. Enough said.

I told him I majored in psychology, and he said he always wanted to read minds. Creepy or cute?

Randomly said, 'By the way, my friends call me a walking red flag.' Then laughed. Not the best start.

Watched Cars at his place and he enthusiastically recited every single Mater part. Childhood nostalgia or nightmare?

He said he planned to join the military. Ended it right there.

My sister invited me and the guy I was seeing to dinner. After we ate, he told my sister, ‘I’m not paying for you.’ Wait, what?

He said, ‘I’ve complimented you, now say something nice about me.’ Uh, no.

He brought a clown nose and asked me to honk it. Okay...

He said, ‘I love you, say it back even if you don’t mean it.’ When I did, he said, ‘I feel like you don’t mean it,’ and got mad.

He said he wrote me a poem on our first date. Then, he said it was supposed to be a song but he forgot his guitar. Awkward.

Started singing acapella because I mentioned I liked Pitch Perfect… at Chipotle. Unexpected.

He ate soup with a fork at Olive Garden. Can't unsee.

He ordered escargot and made me try it. Brave or cruel?

He told me I was the first he never got flowers for. Charming, right?

He got annoyed because I said I liked Alanis over Celsius. Music tastes matter, huh?

He told me the exact limited-edition perfume I was wearing. Spooky or sweet?