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I was working at a summer camp, and the lifeguard there thought he was God's gift to women. We were cleaning up the lake shore one night, which involved putting all the boats up on land etc. One of the younger girls was trying to delicately get the water out of one of the kayaks. The lifeguard went over and said, "not like that, like this" and he lifted the kayak over his head to drain the water.
The reason she was being careful with it is because it was full of urine. A kid urinated in the kayak and now that urine was all over the lifeguard. He screamed. We laughed... a lot.
One of my better camp memories.
At an art show, I was helping this guy hang up his pictures because I needed the leveler he was using to hang mine. So, I thought I had the hang of how to get the pictures straight and equadistant from each other and was doing it pretty quickly. When we were done, I exclaimed "Alright, you're hung, now nail me." as I held a nail up against the wall.
The entire room burst into laughter.
When I was 15 I wore a newsboy cap and a sweater vest, trying to capture a "throwback" look. In pictures, I look like a skinny kid dressed up as a nursing home resident.
My mum just bought be a biker jacket and Liar Liar was just being advertised for cinema. I thought it would be cool if a started talking in a cockney accent and asking "av yew seen the new Loir Loir movie Guvna " I kept it up for about 3 days until my mum finally took the jacket off of me.
I was a 7 year old Scottish girl.
Way back in high school a friend and I were out with some girls. He decided he would go pick up some liquor. At the time he was 16, legal age here is 19. So to make himself look a little older he puts on his leather jacket and then takes my glasses and puts them on thinking it will make him look older. I am talking perscription and not sunglasses. He then proceeded to walk straight into the glass door of the liquor store bc he could barely see. We thought it was pretty funny.
I was working out pretty late at night and I was alone at the gym. A younger - and very skinny guy, maybe 18, comes in with his girlfriend. It's just the three of us in a fairly decent sized gym. I have my headphones on, but the volume isn't up that high. So I guess they assumed I couldn't hear what they were saying. I should note the girl was dressed up with a skirt and heels, and the guy had jeans, a white baseball hat, and a popped collar polo shirt. The perfect workout attire.
I'm doing bench press, and the girlfriend asks the guy if he could do the weight I was doing. He immediately says he could do that easily, and proceeds to rack up the weight on a bench press next to mine. He lays down and starts to try moving the weight. He's struggling immensely just to get the weight off the rack, so I start paying attention because I know what's coming. Sure enough, he gives a monster push, arching his back with his feet planted, and manages to get the weight off the rack and above the chest. He manages to hold it there for roughly a second before it comes crashing down on his chest. His girlfriend is trying to lift the weight off him while the guy is struggling and kicking his legs all over the place. I rush over and lift the weight off him. He didn't say a word, didn't even put his weights away, just rushed out of the gym with his girlfriend never to be seen again.
Some kid was leaning to my friend's Porsche and talking to some girl. My friend said something like "Hey nice car, how much did it cost" and the kid said "As much as you make in a year" ... That's when my friend took the key and opened the doors. The girl laughed pretty hard and the kid just left.
Was carefully driving along a dangerously snow covered country road and some [jerk] in a merc was tailgaiting me and flashing his lights at me to go faster. Eventually he overtook and blasted off round the bend.
About 15 minutes later I passed the guy standing next to his [wrecked] car which had unsurprisingly slid off the road and smashed into a wall. Fortunately for him he looked unhurt but his car looked like a write off. I laughed. And didn't stop to help him, whoops.
My 15 year old brother and his friends broke into the grounds of their old primary school and climbed on the *roof* to play.
At the end of the game they were playing, all of my brother's friends were chasing him...he was running toward the edge of the roof and they were close behind.
In a *remarkably* misjudged attempt to look cool, he decided to "James Bond" it up, slide over the edge of the roof, grab hold of the edge and then drop to the ground... It was both misjudged in the fact that it is a dumb idea *in general*, but *the previous day* he had gotten a cast of his wrist, which was still very weak.
He grabbed the ledge, his weak wrist couldn't hold his weight and he fell, shattering one of his elbows and his other wrist.
He was brought to the hospital and fixed up, then the guards had to call him in for a talk about trespassing, and he had to go to the principal of the school and apologise for what he had done.
The idiot.
I had a friend get all crazy at a club we were in, who jumped up on the bar to dance only to get hit in the head with a ceiling fan that was turning, knocking her off.
One time I was riding my bike from school and taking my time kinda, getting a good workout. I noticed a skateboarder coming up from behind me really working to get ahead of me. He looks over at me as he goes by and my passing thought is that he's probably trying to prove something working so hard to get ahead if the girl. Just after he passes me he takes his board up onto the sidewalk and runs into a patch of bumps meant to guide pedestrians. He flies off his board and crashes face first between a cement trash can and a wall, knocking the trashcan aside with the force of his fall. I saw the whole thing and had a big "oh [snap]" moment as I pull my bike aside to help him out. There was a nice pool of blood on the ground already from the blood from his nose. He was really embarrassed and worried a lot that he chipped his tooth. Me and a couple guys nearby called the appropriate people and brought him napkins and water while we waited for people to arrive.
A friend of mine used to like getting drunk and running his mouth at frat kids back in college. One night he's yelling across the street, telling some jerk to put both his collars down because he looked like an idiot. As he's yelling he's looking across the street and walks straight into a lamp post and goes down hard. Despite it being my friend, it was awesome.
I was walking behind this guy in my high school. XL shirt, pants low. They were SO low, in fact, that they fell down. I silently noted that day as a victory against gangsta pants.
A guy in my high school wanted to see how far he could launch a watermelon off the roof of his car. He placed it on the roof, got the car going as fast as he could and slammed the brakes. The watermelon went a full 3 feet forward and landed hard on the hood of the car making a huge dent.
I was shooting pool in a laid-back dive bar, some people around, but nothing crazy. All of the sudden, it occurred to me that most people around the table had quieted down and were watching my next shot. The shot happened to be a jump-bank shot, which I made. At once, everyone goes "ohhhhh." And I'm like, "yeah." I lean over and pop in the 8-ball, FTW.
Then I realized: I still had one more ball on the table.
Ok, so back in high school there was this girl, let's call her T, and a guy, let's call him D, who was my friend. T was one of the hotter and more popular girls at the school. Now the first day D got his driver's license he was driving his dad's truck, I think it was an F-250 or something. He's driving it out of a parking lot when he sees T and decides to try and show off his driving acumen. He hits the gas while exiting the parking lot and turns left. But the car skids a bit and he freaks out and over corrects and the car flips on it's side in front of T.
My friend, and off duty cop (age: 22) was putting gas in his car when he saw a pretty girl in a 2010 Honda Accord pull up to fill up her tank. She seemed like the snobby bougie type, who thought the world revolved around her and that she thought she was "hot". She started putting diesel in her car as my friend told her that she was putting the wrong type of gas in her car, but she thought he was hitting on her so she said "get a life" and proceeded to continue with her business. My friend says "sorry miss, I'll go inside and add $10 to your pump for bothering you." or something along those lines...He added the $10 to her pump and while waiting for his tank to fill up, he watched as the girl tried to start her car.
EDIT: She had to get her car towed. Sorry forgot to add that.
Middle school, I finally got the chance to hang out with a girl that I liked. I rode my bike to her house. She had a half circle driveway that went downhill. I tried to be cool and come flying down the driveway to skid to a stop. Unfortunately, when I skidded, my bike flew out from under me and I hit the pavement chest first, knocking the wind out of me, and slid down the rest of the hill on my face. I tried so hard to pretend not to be hurt, but that is tough to do when you are gasping for breath in a torn shirt with bleeding road rash across the entire front of my body.
In middle school I got the idea that I would be really cool if I acted mysterious. So I spent recess just looking out of the window intensely. Then this girl finally asked me what I was looking at.
"A bird", I said. She asked me where it was. I answered: "Oh, it's not a real bird. It's just in my mind."
I thought she would find me really deep and cool.
She probably just thought I was insane.
There was this really arrogant guy I was taking a lab with. When the professor went up to his and his partner's bench, he asked the professor, "So, are we pretty much ahead of everyone else in the class?" and the professor said "Nope".
I drive a highly tuned Mazda RX-8 and it's clear what it is. Anyway, a Corvette with the obligatory gf pull up to the light and the guy starts revving. I do my racing on a track but I did push the pedal once to see how far he'd go. The light goes green, he dumps the clutch, smokes the rear wheels until they catch, and roars across the intersection. And loses control a few car lengths later and ploughs into the side of a parked car...as I slowly drove past well below the speed limit. Silly rabbit...
In middle school I was trying out different ways to be unique. I wore a bowler hat everyday, along with slacks and a Hawaiian shirt. I also carried a bamboo cane and skateboarded in all of that gear. Come to think of it, if this were a few years later, I would have been king of the hipsters, but it was in the 90s, so I just got beat up.
The drunken white guy at the hot tub party when I was 18 or 19 who tried to impress some Asian chick with martial arts moves and ended up breaking his ankle.
The day after a heavy downpour, I saw a really cute girl while I was riding my bike. I decided I would pull up next to her and say hello. As I got close to her, I started braking as I began to say, "Hi, I noticed you over here." but only got as far as "Hi-" before my brakes, which were still wet, started making a terrifying screeching noise while completely failing to decelerate my bike. I just kept gliding past her with my brakes wailing like a banshee until I was a good 7 feet past her.
It was at that point that I decided to abort and pedalled away as fast I could, pretending that never happened.
I was at a gas station filling up my hatchback once, when this guy in a huge "lifted" (oversize tires, elevated suspension) pickup truck came screeching into the stall next to me with his girlfriend in the passenger seat. He jumped down, scoffed quietly at my car, and (admittedly) his only other crime was scanning his card and pushing the buttons on the machine with way too much machismo. He was clearly an annoying [jerk], even if he didn't do anything overt at this particular moment.
So he screeched away over to the car wash, and I noticed that his gas hatch was open. And his gas cap was on the ground by my back tire. And I don't imagine car washes are good for the inside of your gas tank.
OK OK so in the jazz scene in my town, like any music scene, there are gonna be some idiots.
There is one guy who is known as the Hollywood Hurricane. Actually a real estate agent (not a musician) who wishes he could gig and be taken seriously.
Anyways, he was singing at some house party. He had a band (which were probably first year college students getting paid peanuts) behind him, and he was singin' some cheesy jazz standard. He's walking down the stairs as he's singing to the room.
Just for fun, he decides he's going to slide down the banister. However, he doesn't slide down sideways, no. He straddles it and slides down forwards.
He obviously didn't notice the huge marble orb at the bottom of the banister.
He hits the 5th, holds the dominant, and decides it'll be a great time to slide on down on a fermata.
And he NAILS himself at the bottom of the stairs. Singing stops. He falls off. Band train wrecks. Crowd goes completely silent.
Imagine an entire room of fancy people staring at a guy nursing his groin.
When I was younger I was driving my mom's car around. She has an SL 500, so it's no slouch. At a stop light a guy in a riced-out Eclipse pulled up and revved his engine, obviously wanting to race. I was already on thin ice with my parents at the time and really didn't want any other trouble, so I just looked straight ahead and tried to ignore him. He kept revving his engine (it sounded like a weed whacker with nitrous) until the light turned green, dropped it into gear (while revving pretty high) and took off. For about 5 feet, until something went disastrously wrong. There was a huge bang and black smoke started pouring out of his tail pipe. I passed him slowly on the right, making sure to wave.
I was with some friends coming out this girl's apartment late one night. Steve (let us call him, eh?) had been trying real hard all night to impress this gal that was hanging out with us.
On the way down the outside set of stairs, Steve decides he's going to kung-fu it off the second story ledge and meet us at the bottom. He hurls himself towards the cast iron railing, plants his feet and leaps over the hurdle akin to a dolphin leaping out of the water. He extends his left arm, grabs the edge of the brick flower box--in what I can only assume was an attempt to suavely flip himself over so that he could land on the sidewalk feet first, successively making the ninja-fied move and, presumably, impressing the girl so much that she would have no choice but to sleep with him later that night.
I say "assume" because none of that actually happened. His arm, whether from misjudging the angle or woefully unprepared to support his weight at all, crumbled underneath him. Steve's shoulder took the brunt of the impact followed closely by his face. Instead of a victorious "ta-da!" we got a "humphhh-mmmm" and a rather resounding thud as Steve's body hit sidewalk below, again, followed closely by his face.
Steve tried to ride it out; Gods bless him his desire to get it on with this girl was so strong that he spent the rest of the night trying to tough out the pain. He even tried driving at one point, leaned over heavily to his left, not, I think, to look cool, but more to ease the pressure off his left side, which, again, took most of the fall, followed closely by his face. Have I mentioned that before?
After we dropped off the object of Steve's affection, Steve begged us to take him to the emergency room. Steve's tally: two missing teeth (where they went, I'll never know) one fractured forearm, a dislocated shoulder and one "mighty" concussion, as the doctor on call in the ER told us.
At first I kind of felt sorry for him, being that wrapped up in this girl that he would suffer such--what had to be unbearable pain--just on the chance that it might go somewhere.
Then I remembered, Steve was kind of a jerk and all felt right with the universe, at least, at that time.
**tl;dr** jerk guy in a move to impress chick he wants to bone, leaps off stairwell landing to perform super-uber ninja type descent to impress girl. Broken bones and dislocated shoulder ensues. Felt sorry, remembered he [was a jerk] and felt alright.
When I was in 9th grade, there was this skater guy who acted all [cool]. He assumed no one would mess with him since he's too [cool].. he thought. He decided to throw a grape at some guy for no reason to show his dominance. The kid who got the grape thrown at him got up and gave the kid the biggest whooping I saw in my 4 years of high school.
I had a roommate that had received his B.Sc in Computer Science about a year before I convocated. He perpetually would drop acronyms and terminology around anyone who would listen in an attempt to impress them with his limitless knowledge. He also had an inate ability to fail at just about anything, and would throw HUGE pouts when it was pointed out to him.
He had taken a contract to update a website for a company in his hometown to the tune of $4k. He bragged about it perpetually and told us how fantastic the site was going to be after he was finished, SQL backend, code riddled with PHP and fancy AJAX stuff. I got a lowly job as a summer student working at yellow pages as a web dev.
At the end of the summer, we're all drinking beer and enjoying some TV, and he's bragging about how he just got paid and got the cheque for the $4k. I asked him how long he had worked on the project. Turned out he used the entire summer trying to make the site as flashy and fancy as possible, while failing at the simple functionality that they needed/requested and had to fall back to something not in his vision.
I laughed at him, told him that I got paid about $15k over the last 4 months. He snobbishly asked me what I had done, fully expecting that I had worked some labour job that didn't earn me any experience, to which I replied that I had been working as a web dev, coding in the exact same stuff that he had, but hadn't failed at it.
The group of us couldn't contain our laughter. We didn't see him come out of his room for 3 days.
TL;DR - roommate took 4 months to program [trashy] website, thought he had earned big bucks and rep for job well done, burned on earnings and experience gained by "simple student" doing similar job.
Exiting the local home improvement store with a spring in my step I started running while pushing my shopping cart full of light bulbs and cat litter.
I had built up considerable speed and with one last massive push I hopped in the air expecting this shopping cart to have the same design as the models used at my local grocery store. (You put one or two feet on the cross support and ride the cart).
This was not at all the same design and my foot had nothing to land on except the rapidly moving ground.
I bounced and folded halfway into the cart one moment, the next the cart flipped end over end and I was rolling on the ground.
6-8 people saw me do this and 2 of the dozen light bulbs were broken.
I wish I could go back and say to the onlookers "I meant to do that".
Just today, I was in IKEA with a friend of mine and he was pushing the cart. He proceeds to "ghost ride the whip" in the middle of the kitchen section, steps on an IKEA map someone had thrown on the floor, and immediately slips and smacks the floor hard. I think all of IKEA shook. He popped right back up, everything but his dignity intact.
I laughed so hard my face turned blue, it was amazing.
One of my friend's roommates just bought a brand new Camaro SS, which he made sure came with an automatic transmission (embarrassing enough). Anyways, the other day he woke up, went for a drive, and noted that a cop was sitting on the other side of the road. On his way back home he forgot that a cop was sitting there and decided to speed, which landed him a speeding ticket and a ticket for no proof of insurance since his dad hadn't covered the new car yet.
My friend was having a party in JH school and had a trampoline set up right outside the sliding doors of the basement. I mustered up the courage to do a running jump/chest slide onto the trampoline from the middle of the basement. After a pretty douchey holler that said "look at what I am about to do" I began running...hard. just before I got outside I nailed the screen door, busting it off its hinges and mangling it badly. I landed about 3 feet from the tramp on top of the door. My friends were laughing hysterically. The only thing i hurt was my ego. I did the same thing when i was like 8 only I hit a glass door at my neighbors house. It did not break but jammed me up pretty bad.
There's a kid I knew from grade school. Total nerd, and really absorbed with trying to look cool at every waking moment. We were in high school in the time, and it was common for him to do push-ups in the hallway between classes, even though he was NOT muscular, but he did them anyway when people were around. On this day, he was trying to do "clap" push-ups, where you throw yourself up high enough to clap in front of your chest before landing on your hands again. Well, I had the fine idea of daring him to see if he could clap behind his back and still do the push-up.
He tried. He didn't catch himself and landed on his face, resulting in a bloody face, broken nose, and loss of dignity.
It was awesome.
*TL;DR* Kid tried to be tough by doing push-ups between classes, I dared him to do them behind his back, he failed and broke his nose and dignity.
Yes, he broke his dignity.
Guy blew past me in a mint 60's muscle car. Saw him on the side of the road on the other side of a hill with a trail of oil leading up to his car.
Ironic justice.
Standing just outside the circle of "popular" kids. Like they were having a conversation, and I'd stand just two feet away, just listening and staring. Yeah.
EDIT: Well apparently I'm not the only person to do this. I guess a lot of people have tried this technique. I don't do this anymore but it makes me cringe every time I remember doing it. *shivers*.
In middle school, tried to spike my hair up Dragonball Z style. I have curly hair, so it didn't work in the slightest.
I scratched an 'X' into my arm with scissors when I was 15 because I thought the scar would look cool.
I'm 15, at my first concert (Metallica, Slipknot and, ugh . . . Lost Prophets)
talking to this beautiful 18 year old girl. Here is the transcript that will be forever embedded in my dreams:
GIRL
"Do you like Led Zeppelin"
ME (I have no idea who or what Led Zeppelin is)
"Yeah.... I Love that guy, he's one of my favourite musicians"
... I totally nailed it.
At a privately-owned (for-profit) treatment center I worked at, I had a millionaire boss who, while not watching us work from inside his Cadillac truck, would walk around and give us 'pointers'. Sometimes he would pull out wads of hundreds of dollars...maybe to give one of the long time residents a $5 or something.
One day it was very windy and when a younger resident (probably 14) asked him for some money he pulled out his wad only to have money blow all over the place. My [jerk] supervisor quickly scrambled to gather our boss's money for him. I just laughed.
The girl hosts a party, I ride my motorcycle and end up walking home and leaving my gear/bike at her house. I come back the next day to pick up my bike. I suit up, and she says, 'wow you look awesome in your gear'. I say, I know, right.
Anyways, while I'm backing up out of her driveway I drop the bike going 0mph. I felt stupid.
A friend of mine was waiting to meet someone outside a club on a Saturday night in downtown Vancouver. He was just standing against the wall and chillin when this guy drives by in a convertable Mustang, blasting 50 Cent's "In da club" (This was when that song was popular). Wannabe gangsta in convertible blasting loud music, nothing new.
A few minutes later that kid drove by again. My friend just though he was circling the block looking for parking. Pretty standard for any city on a Saturday night. No big deal.
A few minutes later the kid drives by a third time, the same amount of time it took him to come around last time. Okay...
Few minutes later, kid comes by for the 4th pass. By now it is obvious he is just circling the block. When the kid was stopped at the red light, my friend, in from of all the people waiting in line at the club, yelled out to him: "Dude, 50 Cent already left the club by now!". The whole line of people waiting all cracked up laughing at this kid, and he just turn right at that red light and floored it, never to be seen again.
A few years ago me and some friends were hanging out at the food court in our local mall. This big guy in his early-mid twenties approached one of my friends, looking really pissed.
He started accusing our friend of staring at him and stalking him, like he wanted to hit on this guy or something. I'm sure this guy just wanted to impress his girlfriend so he picked the "biggest" kid of our group.
Our friend reacted normally, he just kept saying he had no idea what he was talking about, and had never seen him before in his life. Apparently the guy had no backup plan; I think he just expected our friend to get scared and apologize. He stared awkwardly at him for a long time when it must have hit him that he was in his mid 20s, trying to pick on a kid 10 years younger than him. His girlfriend looked really angry and embarassed, and he just mumbled something and walked away, head down.
Around 13 I thought I'd seem interesting if I spoke as little as possible. I'd conduct entire transactions with clerks without a word or a smile. Attempted this in school as well. Went home to cry and wonder why I didn't have any friends and felt so sad all the time.
Wow, who would guess that no one wants to interact with someone with nothing to say? As for those poor clerks I was so rude to, all I can do is hope that they didn't realize I wasn't talking.
This lasted about 6 months before I realized that silence doesn't draw people to you.
> Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you…Imma let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!
I knew an obese and somewhat pathetic guy once who used to dress in sports jerseys & shorts and layer on chains and rings as if he were Mr. T, trying to look all thuggish.
One day, someone held him up with a screwdriver in a park and took all of his bling.
I used to hire a lockup/garage from a farmer on his farm. He also hired out stables and other lockups. One day I was sitting in my van out side my lockup. This guy came up to me shouting and yelling at me telling me, that it was private land and to get off. I slowly got out of my van without saying anything, unlocked my lockup and walked in.
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